The Feminine Wife

Reblogged from Yes They're All Ours... :-)

I'm so glad you've joined me as we focus on strengthening and promoting godly marriages, both in our nation and in our own backyards. 

(Since the beginning of the year) we've been looking at the characteristics of the godly wife. Today I want to take at look at the feminine wife. 

Due to the overwhleming influence of the feminist movement on modern culture, we have almost totally lost the concept of femininity.  We now live in a unisex culture where clothing, roles, and even marital partners are seen as interchangeable.  

However, God, in His infinite wisdom, created mankind as male and female.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created He them."  ~ Genesis 1:27

"And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, it was very good."  ~ Genesis 1:31

Masculinity and femininity are good and normal and right.  They are designed by God and reflect the full spectrum of His characteristics, while a unisex society of interchangeable genders is a perversion of God's design.

As we've already discussed here in previous weeks, the quickest way to a man's heart is to respect and admire his masculine qualities.  While it may be popular to do so, criticizing, ridiculing, or teasing our man in the sensitive area of his manliness is the quickest way to destroy our relationship!  Men are vulnerable when it comes to their masculinity, and nothing makes them feel more masculine than being appreciated and admired by a feminine woman!

In spite of our current cultural conditioning, most men are naturally drawn to feminine women.  When women are feminine, and somewhat vulnerable and fragile, it tends to encourage the protective side of men.  (This is something that needs much encouragement in this day of violent, irresponsible men!) 

Deep down inside, most women still desire to be wildly loved and cherished by the man of their dreams. All but hard-core feminists still find it desirable to be treasured by and spoiled by a man that they love.  

Sadly, women have been conditioned by society to believe and communicate (both verbally and nonverbally) that they don't need a man and that they are better than the poor male "species" in every way. They are encouraged to be tough and independent and self-sufficient. What this has done is taken away the incentive that men once had to overcome their base tendencies to use women for their own desires and to be lazy and self-serving by rising up and protecting and providing for a woman and her children.

Caution: Don't take my words too far to an extreme -- I'm not saying that women should be totally subservient and dependent on men.  There is certainly a healthy degree of competence and independence for women to have. But, our culture has obvioulsy let the pendulum swing way too far in the opposite direction!  When women are feminine and somewhat vulnerable and fragile, they tend to encourage the protective side of men.

Unfortunately, most women have been so brainwashed and conditioned by the feminist agenda, that we don't even know what it means to be feminine and we may even bristle at the thought of developing some feminine qualities that were standard in times past!!

What are some feminine qualities that men find attractive and desirable in women?  Generally speaking, men are attracted to:

• long, flowing hair
• natural looking make up and hair colors
• soft, feminine clothing
• soft, nicely manicured hands
• sweetness and innocence 
• carefree charm
• a sunny disposition
• tenderness
• gentleness
• gracefulness
• womanly figure with feminine curves 
• gentle, kind speech 

Some "masculine" traits to avoid:

• ultra-short manly haircut
• rough hands with chewed fingernails
• tailored, masculine clothing styles
• sloppy "sweats" and t-shirts
• unkempt, slovenly appearance
• sitting and standing like a man
• rough, coarse language
• telling dirty jokes
• smoking
• overly loud, boisterous voice or laugh
• speaking harshly or with excessive sarcasm
• excessively thin or excessively heavy body

It is so easy to fall into the habit of doing what is easy or comfortable and neglecting our appearance, and yet, our husbands do like to take pride in their wives' appearance and femininity.  We should do what we can to be attractive for our husbands and to dress and wear our hair and carry ourselves in a way that pleases them. Generally, we choose our clothes and hairstyles based on what pleases ourselves or our girl friends.  How often do we consult our husbands about such matters??  And, if we ask them, are they afraid to tell us the truth because we will react violently??  We may argue that what our husbands like isn't "fashionable".  I don't think most men care that much about the latest fashion trends, but they do care about how we dress and carry ourselves.  Do we care enough to find out what they really think??

Homework Assignment:  Are you up for some homework?  Your assignment for this week, if you choose to accept it, is to ask you husband to tell you honestly how he likes you to wear your hair, and what clothing styles he likes, etc. You must promise yourself ahead of time that you won't argue with what he tells you!  Have some ducktape handy, if need be, but don't react to what he tells you!  Just listen and apply your new found knowledge!  
http://www.yestheyareallours.com/

God Equips and Empowers a Wife to Stand Firm in the Face of Her Husband’s Sin

I small departure from the normal fare...I realize that many wives are in situations where their husbands, professors of Christ or not, are held in bondage to sin...such as porn, adultery, drunkeness, etc. How does a wife biblically handle her husband's sin? Well, biblically. And part of that is to win them without a word by your pure and respectful behavior. Yes, it will be probably the hardest thing you have ever done. What godly and worthwhile thing is ever easy? You can do it. I absolutely know that you can. And God does too...He says so in His word, or it would not be the word(s) He gives to you now would it? This is a spiritual battle (Please, no "deliverance, binding and loosing, etc." heresy allowed...it is wholly unscriptural. You....Keep your armor on, resist the devil and he will flee, and let God handle your husband's sinful heart AS you obey His word to you.) ;-)

DISCLAIMER* I will strongly caution you to avoid ALL "recovery" groups...even within the "church" (AA, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, etc). They are ALL based upon a false gospel, no matter how much scripture is added to make it sound "Christian", and all have their foundation in lies. No one needs to "recover"...recover from what? We are all fallen and depraved with hearts full of deceit...there is nothing there to "recover" from. What is needed is REDEMPTION, following the word of God  which has been given to us for ALL things in life (and this is one of them). So, regardless of whether your husband is a believer or not, this is about how YOU handle his sin. As for unbelieving husbands, you already know that dead men cannot rise and live on their own, so pray for them as you follow this...and for those whose husbands profess Christ, follow this. Do not follow after the doctrines of demons promoted by men, any men. And if you have a pastor that promotes "Recovery" anything...I'm telling you...seek biblical help elsewhere. If you do not, all you will end up doing is making a sinful situation extended, while you dabble in another kind of sin. The sin of the fallen man's worldview. That said...I pray this will help you, guide you, and lead you to addressing a very tough situation biblically. Because that is the only way anything can ever get better and a husband set free. And you set free from being in bondage to his sin in your heart. <3~BIHP

A HUGE thank you to the JoyfilledWife for sharing her story. What her counselor suggested for her may apply to some other wives in similar situations – or some of it may not. If you are experiencing severe issues in your marriage, please seek godly counsel with someone you trust, who will hold you to biblical standards and who can walk beside you on this journey. Please note, the things this wife did may not be the right approach for other sins (a husband’s unrepentant infidelity or drug/alcohol addiction or physical abuse). My greatest prayer is that you will seek God, His Truth, His Word and His Spirit’s power to help you walk in obedience to Him no matter what your circumstances may be right now. I believe this wife’s story might bless you:

CHILDHOOD

When I was a little girl, a family member with severe anger issues tried to strangle me to death. I was not the cause of their anger…I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and was an easy target. By the grace of God, He gave me the strength to break free and run away from my aggressor.

From early childhood all the way to my pre-teen years, I was the target of very hateful bullying by other girls. Not one specific group of girls, just girls in general. When you’re an adult, being slim is considered desirable, but it’s not such a popular thing when you are in your adolescent years. The bullying got so bad that I attempted suicide at age 11. The Lord stilled my hand seconds away from taking my own life and whispered to my heart, “It’s not your time. I’m not finished with you yet.” That was a turning point in my walk with God and I made the decision to dedicate my life to accomplishing His will.

TEENAGE YEARS

As a teenager, I was frequently pursued by men, but their pursuits often turned to ridicule and slander when they found out that I was saving myself for marriage and refused their advances. I was known as a “goody two shoes” by most everyone who knew me, so they were all too eager to spread the rumor around when one of the men whose advances I refused convinced everyone that I had spent the night with him. I had a deep desire to honor the Lord and represent Him well, so these false allegations wounded me deeply.

Years later, I would suffer the same slander from co-workers, who insisted that I was lying about my virginity. They constantly attempted to ruin my witness with their lies and slander, but by this time I was a bit older and wiser, knowing how to combat their lies with my attitude and heart to obey God in all circumstances. I won many people over this way and it caused my enemies to be exposed. They hated me for refusing to participate in their gossiping and perverse humor. In the end, though, even the “ringleader” of the group admitted to me privately, “I really can’t stand you…but, for some reason, I can’t help but respect you.”

I could go on and on with stories of horrible things that happened to me throughout my life, but I’m not sharing these things to give you a sad story. The point I want to hit home is that,

because of all of the terrible things I experienced throughout my life, one of the characteristics God sowed in me all those years was “longsuffering”.

I know what it is to live most of my life loving others, in spite of their sin against me, and continue to love them regardless. Looking back on my life up until this point, I think I must have spent at least half of my nights crying myself to sleep as I prayed for God to just wrap me in His arms and mend the places of my heart that have been wounded by others. I learned early on that God was the only one who could heal the hurt and give me the strength to keep loving others when my flesh told me to hate them for how much they hurt me. I never understood why God allowed me to go through so much suffering at the hand of others, but I can’t help but be reminded of what a friend said to me once: “God knows He can trust you with trouble.”

MARRIAGE

Before I met my husband, I prayed that the Lord would bring me a Godly man who I could serve. Yes, serve. Those were my exact words. Marriage consists of lifelong servitude and, although I wanted to live happily ever after like every other woman, I had a very realistic view of what a Biblical marriage looked like. The Lord answered that prayer in a big way, as you can imagine.

After I gently confronted my husband about his addiction and he opened up about it, we immediately sought out a godly counselor. Our counselor challenged us in all areas of our mind and heart. He didn’t minimize any sin or take sides. The process of reconciliation and freedom was challenging for my husband, but truly painstaking for me.

The counselor told me that if I wanted to help point my husband back to Christ, I had to be willing to do things that I didn’t want to do. Things that wouldn’t always seem fair.

Since I had no part in provoking my husband’s addiction, the advice was not easy to hear, but it worked. I remember crying once after reading an email regarding how I should respond to my husband’s anger, lies, and control issues he had developed through his addiction. He was an almost unbearable man to live with during that time and the constant barrage of temptation I was facing as a result of his harshness toward me and depriving of any kind of intimacy for sometimes 3-4 weeks at a time, I felt like I lived my life in constant inward mourning. Although I never considered divorcing my husband over his addiction, I remember one night, when his outpouring of anger was at an all-time high and he seemed to not even see me as a person of value anymore,

I sobbed quietly in my pillow and told Jesus that I wished I had never married in the first place. The pain of constant loneliness in marriage was far more painful than singleness had been for me.

I asked God that night why He didn’t bring my husband’s sin to the surface before we got married. We took all the precautions before marriage, including lengthy pre-marital counseling, in which all topics were covered thoroughly, including pornography. I had even asked God to reveal to me if there were any red flags in my potential husband…but His voice was silent at that time.

That night, when I asked God why my husband’s addiction hadn’t been revealed to me before marriage, He showed me something that I think is seldom understood in marriage. You see, we have often heard the saying, “Marriage is not meant to make you happy, but to make you holy.” What that looks like in action is to sometimes forsake your own desires or “rights” in order to help your spouse turn back to the Lord.

I am not advocating putting up with physical violence or the like, but I think we make the mistake of thinking that, if our “rights” are infringed upon, we have an automatic “out” in marriage. The problem with this is not only that it isn’t Biblical, but that it doesn’t achieve the outcome of refining each other and helping our spouse become more like Christ. What the Lord revealed to me that night is that the reason my husband’s addiction wasn’t shown to me before I married him was because I wouldn’t have married him if I had known about it. God had chosen me to be my husband’s wife because He cultivated within me specific character traits of Christ that were to serve as an example to my husband and help Him come to a place of deliverance.

God fully intended, from the beginning, to use the longsuffering He developed in me over the years to win my husband without a word as he gradually overcame his addiction. I only wish I had realized that when I began this brutal, but worthwhile, journey over a year ago. When God choses our spouse for us, he puts two people together who are best designed to help refine each other and become more like Christ. I think we often get so caught up in the fact that our spouse is not meeting all our desires that we lose sight of the fact that our spouse’s shortcomings, and even sins, are often what God plans to use to help us overcome our own sins and struggles.

Some of the practical, day-to-day ways I won my husband without a word were very difficult to put into action. I did all of them based on the guidance of our counselor and pastoral approval. Here are some of the actions I lived out daily, while in constant prayer for my husband’s freedom:

CONTROL:

Pornography brings about a desire to control and dominate. To see people as objects to conquer or devour, instead of people to love and value. To say that my husband became micromanaging over every area of my life would be a true understatement. I remember a specific incident when my husband become angry with me for eating a slice of bread. I had eaten lunch 4 hours prior and he didn’t think I should be eating again so soon.

My counselor explained to me that my husband felt like his life was out of control and that rebelling against his unreasonable micromanaging would serve no purpose but to feed the desire to control more. They emphasized the importance of me always checking my heart and that I needed to remain as “behind the scenes” in my habits that angered him as possible. If I insisted on putting up a fight, even though he was unreasonable, it would only serve to drive him further away out of feeling like he also was losing his authority in his marriage. I decided to keep snacks in my bathroom drawer and my purse so I could take a few bites while I went out to get the mail or was in the other room. Was he unreasonable to become upset about me eating a slice of bread 4 hours after my last meal? Yes. But my counselor helped me see that I needed to avoid being a distraction as God worked on my husband’s heart. My husband apologized to me later that night for being controlling about the bread.

BELITTLING:

Because my husband’s addiction caused him to become a man he wasn’t proud of, he would often take his inner frustrations with himself and project them verbally onto me. He would blame me for things I had no part in, would become angry that I didn’t meet an expectation he had failed to communicate to me, and, on one occasion, belittled me in front of our guests for not having dinner completely ready when he walked through the door with them, even though he had failed to call me and let me know they were heading over, as agreed upon.

My counselor explained to me that my husband was projecting his feelings of failure and inadequacy onto me because he was not happy with himself and the choices he was making. Pornography addictions are built upon a foundation of selfishness and it was easier for my husband to shift blame than to own up to his own failures, when he already was overwhelmed by the shame of his failure to resist his sinful addiction for so long.

The counselor guided me to not respond to my husband in front of others or to fight with him when he lashed out at me. Instead, I was to calmly and firmly explain to him, privately, that I was not responsible for the failure he was angry about and how it made me feel when he belittled me in front of others. After that, I was not to carry on or get into an argument, no matter how much he wanted to fight. The counselor warned me to keep my heart and spirit in the right place in these situations, so the devil would not gain a foothold with me and perpetuate the situation further. I was to be an instrument of peace. Not a doormat to walk all over, but a wife with inner strength that uses her tongue to impart peace amidst the war within my husband’s heart.

HELPING w/ CHILDREN:

My husband was very unhelpful with our children during the time of beginning to overcome his addiction and would gripe if I asked him for even a small favor. I did not ask him often, but there were times when I was incapable of accomplishing two things at once and he would refuse to help out.

My counselor showed me that taking care of the children was my God-given responsibility and that I could show my husband respect and build him up as a husband by taking on all of the responsibilities in this area and thanking him for how hard he works to provide for us.

I’ll never the counselor’s first words to me when I asked what I should do when my husband refuses to help: “Don’t fight a battle that’s not worth dying for!”

Those words rang over and over again in my head. God had bigger things to work on in my husband’s heart than unhelpfulness. I did not need to dwell on the smaller things and make them as big a priority as the serious stuff. The small stuff would be ironed out over time after the Lord refined my husband and helped him break the chains of his addiction.

We are currently at the place where God is working on the medium to small things now and it has been such a blessing to come home now from running errands to children that have been bathed and put to bed!

INTIMACY:

During the progression and height of my husband’s addiction, I was denied sexually almost every single time I asked. There was always an excuse made why he couldn’t do it. Usually he would say that he was too tired or in a bad mood, even though he would stay up for hours afterward doing other things. I tried not to nag him about this, but did come to him several different times and let him know that I was struggling greatly with temptation from lack of intimacy in our marriage. He would simply respond, “Maybe in the morning.”

My counselor explained to me that, while my husband was clearly sinning by defrauding me, the selfishness that comes from porn addictions, as well as the fact that he was already meeting his sexual needs through that outlet, was responsible for his sin in refusing me. He had trained his mind to mentally “dispose” of images that no longer excited him in search of a more exciting image. When you train your brain to become aroused by two dimensional images, it’s a lot harder to be interested in your real life relationship with your wife. It had nothing to do with my value as a person or my physical attractiveness, but he literally trained his brain to seek arousal and fulfillment from things that will never satisfy.

When he had just met his own sexual desires in sinful ways, he no longer felt a need for intimacy with me. As hard as it was to do, my counselor told me that when I felt temptation coming on, to go into the other room after my husband falls asleep and work out as hard as I can to release excess energy. Once I finished that, I should spend time in the Word and in prayer for myself and my husband. I needed to memorize Scripture and inundate my mind with the Truth. That was the only way to resist the enemy.

CONCLUSION:

It’s hard to explain just how trying the battle has been for me, but I’ve seen so much growth come about in my walk with God as a result. There were some strongholds of insecurity that I had struggled with throughout my whole life as a result of some of the traumatic things that occurred in my adolescent years.

God used this trial to bring me to a place where I have been freed from that stronghold and now see myself through His eyes. God used my husband’s sin to help me overcome the struggles in my own life. There was a time when I almost lost all hope that I would ever be delivered from my strongholds, but I found that I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is so faithful.

My husband is a drastically different man today than he was even a year ago. Although there are still sinful habits that he is working to cast aside after all those years of addiction, they are on a much smaller scale than the big things he was facing every day. I see my husband viewing me as a woman of great value and showing me a vulnerability and tenderness that I had never known before. He is doing more to serve me, initiating sex daily, and even asking me if I am in need of intimacy, even when I can clearly see that he is tired.

• Freedom truly takes time, but I couldn’t be prouder of how incredibly far he’s come and the steps he’s taken to be completely honest with me and seek my accountability in his struggles. I feel like I’m getting to know who my husband is for the first time and I cherished the moment when he said to me, “I feel like I’m falling in love with you all over again.”

When my husband got to a place where he was right with God again, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to ask my husband to disciple me in some areas. This was very difficult for me to do because I had been the spiritual influence in our household when my husband was living in sin and it was very hard to ask him to teach me. The Lord revealed to me that if there was one thing that would heal my husband more than anything else, it was time in the Word. If my husband were to agree to disciple me, he would inevitably be spending more time in the Scriptures as he prepares to teach me.

This was one of the best decisions I ever made for our marriage. He has stepped back up to the plate as the spiritual leader of our family and teaching me the Word has spurred on the habit of reading his Bible even more every day. He has been teaching me so many things lately and I am so blessed by the wisdom he has been imparting.

God is so faithful to be with us through the storms of life. He truly does work all things out for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. My husband told me the other day that he looks forward to the day when his sin is far behind him and God uses his testimony to reach other men who desire to be delivered from their bondage as well. In the mean time, he has given me permission to stand in the gap and to minister to wives who are experiencing the same devastation that I went through. Although no two stories are identical, I hope that my story will bring hope to hurting hearts in desperate need of healing.

http://peacefulwife.com/

For a great resources on how to live biblically in spite of anything your husband does or does not do...

http://www.amazon.com/The-Excellent-Wife-Biblical-Perspective/dp/1885904088

http://www.insight.org/resources/articles/women/the-power-of-truth-helping.html?l=divorce

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/

The Voice in His Head

by the Respected Husband

On Sunday, September 23rd, the Peacefulwife ran a guest post by Kayla Gulick titled My Demon. In the article, Kayla described how all of the voices in her head accuse her husband of the worst. This prompted a discussion between the Peacefulwife and me. She then asked me about whether a guy has similar voices in his head that paint a bad picture of his wife’s intentions.

FROM A HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

I told her that husbands do have a voice in their head, but it rarely talks about their wives. It is a voice telling them “You don’t have what it takes to do ……,” “You are a failure at …..,” “You are an inadequate husband, father, or son”, and “You are not good enough.” Now, I need to clarify that this voice isn’t on all of the time and usually confined to one topic at a time. This is very different from how the Peacefulwife has explained to me about women’s brains where you have an internal voice coming at you accusing your husband and justifying your disrespect and need for control almost constantly (when a wife is cherishing sin in her heart and is not filled with God’s Spirit).

Much to my surprise, after I had made that statement I turned to find the Peacefulwife with mouth agape, stunned, and fascinated with my response. Shortly, after a little water and some cool compresses on her forehead, she said, “Hmm…Satan’s strategy is to attack the God-given spiritual authority from two sides. The accuser fills the wife’s head with a barrage of ammunition against her husband about how he is not worthy of respect and how she is totally justified in her disrespect and contempt. AND the accuser fills the husband’s head with thoughts about how he is not worthy of respect and that his wife is absolutely right in her observation of his faults. The two accusing voices paralyze leadership in the marriage, in the church, in business, and in government.”

IS THIS NORMAL?

Not wanting to jump to conclusions too quickly, we wondered if this theory held up in other marriages. Understanding that a voice in my head just started saying, “Yeah….Sure, check this out…You will only find that you are different than other guys. Other guys are better than you and wouldn’t think like this at all.” So, the Peacefulwife posted the question on the Facebook page. Shortly, Kayla Gulick responded that she had just asked her husband the same question without giving him my response and he said THE SAME EXACT THING.

Another reader, a husband, responded, “I ditto your husband. We fight the fear that we may not be ‘up to the job’ almost every day. But we are men, so it is shameful to talk about it.”

A husband wants to hide any insecurities or faults that he thinks he has becausehe is afraid that his wife or family will not respect him. He is afraid that he might lose any clout that he might have with his wife and family if he was to let a weakness be revealed.

Wow….So far so good with testing this theory. At church on Sunday evening, we asked the same question to several men to see if they responded in the same way. Their responses seemed to first indicate that maybe I do think like a man and secondly, and probably most importantly, that the idea of Satan attacking the spiritual authority of the marriage from both sides was probably true.

So I started searching for a way to describe what a man hears in his head and I came to the conclusion that the voice in his head is all about exposing his insecurities. I found the following quote from Jake Dudley, a 24 year old blogger, to be a really good description of how a man thinks.

And that’s all insecurity is – FEAR. Fear of things we have no control over in the first place. I know what it feels like. I’ve been faced with the doubt you experience when you are staring at a person of the opposite sex wanting soooo badly to tell them how you feel. But instead you stand there frozen from the insecurity of thinking they’ll NEVER like someone as ugly as I think I am. I’ve stood at the crossroads of a major life decision thinking that no matter which I choose I will fail, so instead I turn into a little boy and run away from all possibilities. I’ve ended things and started things and ignored people and ran away from opportunities all because somewhere along the way I believed my self-inflicted insecurities defined who I was as a man.

But here’s the thing: insecurity has NOTHING to do with who I actually am as person. Instead, it has EVERYTHING to do with who I’m terrified of becoming if I take a risk. I usually think I’ll fail. I usually think I’m not good enough. I usually think girls think I’m ugly. I usually think my time has run out. I usually think and think and think my way into a pity party of self-loathing and doubt that I forget that I was created in the image of an extraordinary God.

One Man’s Insecurities by Jake Dudley,www.corycopeland.net

A WIFE’S ROLE

A guy is always going to have insecurities and feel inadequate to fulfill his role as a husband and father. How can a wife work to control the demons that are not only speaking to her but her husband as well? Your husband needs your respect, your trust, your belief in him, your admiration, and your affirmation. These are the confidence pills for the common insecurity. With a little boost of encouragement your husband can overcome and lead your marriage. I found the following quote from www.greatdatespot.com to be a great description of the role of a wife in handling his insecurities:

But here’s the thing- a man’s wife has a special place : she can truly build him up and quiet all other voices of insecurity -or- she can be the loudest voice of insecurity in the world. It’s a strange and magnificient power that you women yield. And it’s a power given by the source of security.

And while it may seem that these two oppose one another- they don’t. After all- a marriage is supposed to be mirror image of a person’s relationship with Jesus- so if it’s Jesus that a man’s security comes from- then it makes sense that a wife can wield similar power…if she chooses.

Ladies- you should understand- you have two choices here- to be the voice of encouragement and bolster your husband’s security or to be the voice of insecurity and rejection and crush your man (yes- you have that power). There is no third choice- if you choose to disengage and try to be in the middle- you are choosing the latter.

Ladies- your acceptance is not just vocal- though it is that. It’s not just sex, though it is that as well. It’s not respect, though it is that too. It’s all encompassing. Give him great compliments, give him great sex, give him great respect and you will see your husband be spurred on to become the man he was always meant to be. Think about it-the key to your husband becoming who he was meant to be- who you really want him to be – lies with you. Jesus could fully do it without you- but he chose to give you as a gift to your husband to speed it along. And I know, that seems like a tall order. That seems like a lot of weight on your shoulders. But it is your burden- or your joy- depending on how you look at it. Now that is your choice.

http://greatdatespot.com/2010/05/21/a-husbands-insecurity-from-10-things-men-wish-their-wives-knew-about-men/

Every wife wants her husband to be the moral authority for their family. Every husband wants his wife to be his biggest supporter, confidence booster, and encourager. When he can feel that he has your trust and appreciation it is like giving him a shot of energy. That is why it is so easy for a man to literally become unplugged when he does not feel he is getting this support. So what do you have if your husband is the moral authority of your family and you have the gift of energy he needs?

Moral + (e)nergy = Morale

Your marriage will have great morale. If my equation is correct the more of the energy you give him the greater the morale will be in your marriage. He will have the self confidence, self esteem, and drive to be the leader in your marriage and family.

But I know there are many who might say that, “My husband is definitely not the moral authority in our family and there is no way I can affirm him after what he has done.” Unfortunately, these husbands probably need the most support from their wives and yet their life yields very few opportunities for their wife to show praise and compliment thim. I think Priscilla Shirer addresses this pretty well in the following quote:

Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.

But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

Your Husband’s Two Biggest Fears, Priscilla Shirer

If we understand the destructive nature of the voices in our heads and that Satan’s plan is to attack our marriage and family we can start silencing the voices. I know when I feel that my wife is in full support with me about something the voice I hear is, “You can do this because she trusts and believes in you.” The Peacefulwife is very good at saying, “I am going to look out for the good in my husband and let God deal with his sins.”

Let’s build up the morale in our marriages starting now.

When a wife refuses to obey God’s commands by disrespecting her husband, she cooperates with Satan and becomes a megaphone that amplifies the accuser’s message to her husband. But when a wife respects and follows her husband, she cooperates with God and becomes an amplifier for God’s voice and His will. WOW! This is POWERFUL stuff! May we use our power for great good, ladies! – The Peacefulwife

 http://peacefulwife.com/

To read "My Demon" ( a very good read and I highly suggest that you DO read it, BTW)...here is the link...

http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/23/my-demon/

Am I Giving “Marriage Advice” to Non-Christians?

My purpose is to teach biblical principles about marriage (and living for Jesus Christ) to women who have given their lives to Jesus as both Savior and Lord. The only wisdom I have comes from Scripture. EVERYONE is very welcome to read here – from any background and any faith. If you are discouraged, frustrated, lost and looking for hope – I believe you will find it here! I deeply desire EVERYONE to come to know Christ. And the great news is, everyone CAN come to Christ! The principles of God’s Word always work, but the promises of the Bible are for believers in Christ:

ROMANS 8 applies to those who love God and know Christ. I want EVERYONE to experience the blessings and promises of God!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:28-39

The promises of God’s Word are for those who are willing to obey Jesus in everything. He asks for our total surrender. He gave up His life completely for us, now, we give up our lives completely for Him:

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:24-26

MY AUDIENCE:

I am writing primarily for those women who love Jesus wholeheartedly (or who want to learn to love Him this way) and have been called according to His purpose. I am also writing for those who are hurting, lonely, lost, discouraged, depressed and searching for answers who desperately need to hear about Jesus – as we ALL do!

Some of the principles from God’s Word may be of some benefit to unbelievers – like a wife showing respect to her husband. Men are generally hardwired to desire and respond to respect more than to respond to disrespect, just like women are generally hardwired to desire and respond to love. And reducing sin (things God says are wrong in His Word) always blesses any relationship. But the reason biblical submission “works” is that we are first completely submitted to Christ as Lord. Then we can receive His promise to use all things for our good and for His glory – even if a wife’s husband is far from God.

Will submission “work” for an unbelieving wife?

For many women, the definition of these things “working” is that they can control their husbands and make them do what they want them to. That is not what this journey is about at all.

The principles of the Bible always work – whether a person is a believer or not. So, any wife may benefit to some degree if she honors her husband’s leadership (although, if he has an active addiction, or is being very abusive or is mentally unstable – please seek godly, experienced help from someone you can trust!) But when a believer obeys God and walks by faith in Jesus Christ, that person can trust God’s sovereignty and cling to God’s promises all throughout the Bible. That is what I want for each of you!
However, sometimes God will use a person’s willingness to try to obey Him to bring them to Himself. I don’t ever want to discourage anyone from attempting to obey God even before they come to Christ. EVERYONE is welcome and invited to read my blog! (please check out Sarah’s comments for an incredible testimony about this issue and how God used her submission to her husband to bring her to Christ!)

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Please catch that. God rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

If someone is just trying to get “marriage advice” and they are not trying to earnestly seek Jesus, they miss out on the greatest blessings and promises of God. They may benefit from the principles to a degree. But I long for each of you to experience the greatest blessings!

It is my prayer that each person who reads my blog may come to know Christ Jesus. But, if you try to apply what I talk about apart from living fully for Christ, I think you may be frustrated. As you are willing to put your faith and trust in Jesus, He is able to empower you so that you can do this thing!

If a woman does not know Christ Jesus as her Savior and Lord, that is her greatest need! This one decision determines each person’s eternal destiny. Then, once she comes to know Him and yields her life to Him, she can begin to apply biblical principles through the power of her faith in Jesus and God’s Spirit living in and working through her. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a godly wife in our own human strength.

“I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but through Me.” John 14:6

After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed:

“Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. 2 For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. 3 Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4 I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do. 5 And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.” John 17:1-5

If you have never received the gift of forgiveness and eternal life that Jesus will give to you – through the biblical gospel...which is that He died in your place for what many will call "the wrong things you have done" and in a way are right...they ARE wrong...but which is actually called SIN against our Creator and God, how Christ paid YOUR penalty on the cross by paying your sin debt to God, and how God raised Him back to life so that those who trust in Him might also be raised to life forever with Him in heaven, I invite you to check out http://needgod.com/001.shtml . 

ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...you most assuredly are not "the only one". God says ALL and He means all. So no, you are not beyond God's redemption through Christ alone. And on the flip side of that...while the old crutch of "nobody's perfect" is a timeless favorite....it does nothing to escape that fact nor solve your eternal problem, which is without the biblical Christ as your genuine Savior and LORD, you stand condemned to hell right now as a result of your sin against God...so, take a deep breath, know that many of us have sinned FAR worse then you, or not as bad as you...but the ground is level at the foot of the cross, and all who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved, and go to Need God...because you do...we all do. And there is only one way to Him as Father, and not as righteous Judge. Jesus says clearly "Repent and believe"....won't you do that when such grace can be made available to you today? <3

Reblogged from a very good blog for women who seek to honor Christ and obey God in their marriages... 

http://peacefulwife.com/2014/08/29/am-i-giving-marriage-advice-to-non-christians/

Victim Card in Marriage!

If I was talking about someone and used the phrase, “she knows how to play the victim card” – can you get a mental image of the type of person I am talking about?

The other day, I was talking with a friend who was explaining why she was upset with her husband and she used the phrase, “I feel justified in my behavior.” While my advice to her was that no matter how she feels, nothing justifies her behavior, I couldn’t help but personalize the situation. Even though I don’t like to admit it, I can easily make excuses regarding my behavior towards my husband and subconsciously “play the victim card” in my marriage.

Examples might be when my husband works more than I want him to and he comes home not to smiling wife, but a wife who is cranky. Victim Card. Or when my husband wants some time to himself and so he is home, but isn’t helping with the children and begin to think, “when will it be my turn to go have some personal time?” Victim Card. If my husband hasn’t been as romantic as I would have liked I can make a snide comment and blame it on “an empty love tank.” Victim Card. When I make harsh statements, lose my patience, describe something as “always” or “never,” or roll my eyes. Victim Card. When I begin keeping score (I changed 6 dirty diapers today and he only changed 4). Victim Card.

The above examples have been (sadly) personal towards me, but think about the typical “nagging” wife that is often portrayed. Even if she has a genuine reason to be upset: the nagging, whining, name calling, finger pointing, & tit for tat attitude is a perfect example of a wife feeling justified in her behavior.

I don’t think many of us would admit we were playing the victim card and most of us probably don’t even realize we are doing it, but as I look back over my marriage, I can see how I felt justified in not watching my words or tone when speaking with my husband when in reality there was no justification for my behavior.

It isn’t about what our husbands do or don’t do. It isn’t about how much they help out or don’t help out. It isn’t about their attitudes or actions. It is about us. We are the only people in control of our behavior and if we allow ourselves to respond to a situation with the victim card (even though we feel 100% justified in doing so) then we have not helped the situation, but rather, we have created another problem.The Bible tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1), blessed are the peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), to think of others more highly than yourself (Philippians 2:3), be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19), and that it is better to live in the desert than with a quarrelsome and ill tempered wife (Proverbs 21:9).

 
When we justify our behaviors, attitudes, and emotions based on those of our husbands then we are no longer living in the Spirit, but in the flesh. We are putting unnecessary pressure on our husbands to be our moral compass when in reality, no matter what they do, our response is solely up to us.

To be sure, this doesn’t mean that we can’t speak the truth in love to our husband or seek outside help when it is needed. Our job is to make sure that our response is seasoned with grace and covered in prayer. If we are Christian wives, then regardless of the attitudes and actions of our husbands, we need to always be demonstrating love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). We can’t do this in our own strength, but rather this response will only become natural through spending time in prayer, in the Word, and relying on the Holy Spirit for strength and not our own flesh or circumstances.

There is no doubt that there will be times when our husband will frustrate us, anger us, and say things that hurt our feelings, but we can’t let our frustration, anger, and hurt feelings excuse any retaliation of words, attitudes, or actions!

http://darbydugger.com/victim-card-in-marriage/

Two Things.....

Sisters...I have two wonderful things for you today...

First, a wonderful opportunity to grow as a Christian wife...From Jolene Engle, Christian Wife University. This is so exciting! Actual, online and personal "Wife Couching" from a sister who has SUCH a heart for training up godly wives and SUCH a wonderful grasp on scripture and how it applies to our daily lives. I pray that you will take this providence to heart and put it to use in your own lives, as wives first, married to our Bridegroom and to the one who He gave as your husband here. Check out the link...noodle around...be sure to click the link in the article, and sign up! I will meet you there. :-)


http://christianwifeuniversity.com/biblical-wife-coaching-is-here/

Second....something we all need so much, as we submit to the word and to our beloved husbands....prayer:

"Dear Heavenly Father, After years of submitting to You and telling You I trust You, I am facing the truth that I still hold onto control over parts of my life. I am so sorry for doing this. I wasn’t intentionally trying to keep these parts of my life from You, more so I was motivated by fear of what would happen if I let go of the clutched fist I had on them. I do want to surrender myself to You and I want to trust You completely. Help me to live by faith and not by fear. I love You Lord! I pray You would show me areas of my life I am gripping for control and then give me the courage to let go and trust that You have me in Jesus’ name AMEN!"

Okay gals...let's get going in growing into the wives God intends us to be, according to His word and not according to this perishing world. ~BIHP <3

A Wife's Submission to Her Husband

Ephesians 5
22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

****************

33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Submission to Your Husband?! Sisters, it is often asked, should a wife submit to her husband? If she wishes to follow scripture the answer is a resounding yes. The scripture is EXTREMELY clear on this point. You can follow it or not. If you are a new Christian and were unaware of the verses regarding submission, I can imagine they might be a shock to you. However, I think even some of us who have been Christian a long time still are in shock. Many Christian ladies hate or are embarrassed by these scriptures. They are proud of their faith, but don’t want others to think they are “mindless”. They will find any excuse to not obey. If you are trying to pass it off as a “cultural” requirement, do you realize you are ignoring a command of God? Either you believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God or you don’t. If you do, shouldn’t you obey it?!
Yes, I admit I sound harsh here. Sisters, so many of us struggle with this issue. I would like to cover in more detail some of the reasons why.

The World
Romans 12: 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.One of the first questions we ask ourselves is what will the everyone think? Society would think us foolish if we openly did so. As Christians we must grasp that we are NOT to be lovers of the world. We should not care what people think. We should only care what God thinks about how we live our lives.
Even those that have established that submission is required still seem to have issues with it. I have read many, many articles on this topic. Both in my journey to understanding that I needed to obey my husband, but also in the years since. They make statements like “I submit, but I am still an equal”. They make long elaborate articles on why they aren’t mindless. They state how to be submissive, but not be a doormat. They say it takes a strong woman to submit. They argue how they submit, but are not inferior. They may even say we should submit to each other.
What do these statements sound like? Ladies, they sound like 'the world' talking. They are crafted as not to offend and try to convince this world that submission isn’t what they think it is. They want it to be seen in a different softer light. They want respect.
Here is a scriptural fact though. The world will not love you, understand you, nor respect you. Why do you spin your wheels trying to get that accomplished? It isn’t going to happen unless you compromise the very word of God?! Stop trying to make the command to submission look “soft”. It is what it is. Yes it is patriarchal! Yes it is male dominant! So what?!
If that is the way God wants it I am okay with that. I love God and I trust that He knows best. If the world calls me a doormat for that, so be it.
The comment that it “takes a strong woman to submit”. Again, this is catering to the world. The Bible directly says that the woman is the WEAKER vessel. We have to accept that for what it is. We are who God made us to be, accept it with grace. Do not let your pride be your downfall.
John 17:14 I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.

But I can’t obey MY husband

I think a major issue of fear is that many women don’t trust their husbands. They think he will never step up and be a good leader. Almost the first thing that comes up with this topic is “what if he asks me to sin?”.
Let us not trouble ourselves with foolish and endless lists of “what if” questions. Simply trust God to guide your life. Trust your husband to lead. Most of the time you have to give that trust, before anything will start to happen. Likely you might even have years ahead of your before your husband feels you are able to really accept his leadership. You can’t correct in one day, a relationship of many years. You do have to start somewhere though.
How the husband treats the wife is often made into a condition of submission. Sisters point out the passage on the requirement that a husband is to love us as Christ loved the church. They may accuse that this part is often the “forgotten” portion. Then they go into great detail of how they feel the husband should treat them. Some even argue that if the husband isn’t living right, that they don’t have to obey.

Don't Teach Him How to Do His Job
I Timothy 2: 12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
The Bible says we are to submit to our husbands in EVERYTHING as UNTO THE LORD. It does not say “if” he does this, or “if” he is a Christian, there are no conditions put on it. It is a command. Period. We are also not to be teaching men nor usurping authority. Trying to define how he is supposed to “love” us is not our place. When we set conditions like that, we are taking an authority.If we feel that our husband doesn’t really love us if he doesn’t seek our advice, we are setting standards that the Bible does not. Yes, it is nice when your husband seeks your opinion. However, HE IS NOT REQUIRED to do so. That does not mean he isn’t fulfilling his scriptural command to love us. Stop trying to define how he should carry out his duty. Let us submissively, and reverently focus on our own duty.

Our Hearts in Obedience

Obviously part of that duty is to simply obey your husband's directives. However, the most important part is carrying them out with a cheerful and submissive heart. If we obey, but our heart is not right, we are still sinning.

Examples of Godly Obedience 

I have just a couple of duties that I would like to address as they are so commonly despised. One is that we are commanded to be silent in church. How many follow this command? Not many. Much time is spent trying to argue around this command as well. Again often cultural reasons are sited for not obeying. Disobedience is still disobedience.
One could even argue that when looking up the Greek definitions of the passage that even within group of men conversing that we should keep silence. Why do most women find this to be abhorrent as a concept? Culture, feminist upbringing, desire for their own say, pride, etc. There are many reasons, we often have different ones. It doesn’t matter really. What matters is are we looking at this command through the eyes of the Holy Spirit. When that is done, you like won’t find it so awful.
I Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.
35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

Sarah Obeyed Abraham calling him Lord 

Finally, another issue of submission within this line of thought is, “Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord”. Both men and women nearly flip their lid at the thought of a wife calling her husband Lord (or Master as an alternate translation). I don’t have to explain why people find it appalling. However, it is NOT an evil thing as many see it. It is a matter of respect and of showing due reverence to the husband. If your husband directly doesn’t want you to do that, then obey him of course. However you address him, be respectful and reverential. Remember he IS your Master/Lord. No, he is not God. No one is claiming that. It is simply title of great respect and honor. If he would desire that you call him this, don’t treat him like villain for that desire. Why not address the man you love as Master? He is the man God has put in authority over you. He is the man that God created your very life for. If it was acceptable for Sarah to do, and we are encouraged to follow her example, then we should take this to heart.
1Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Conclusion

If you willingly and joyfully obey the scriptures in this, I believe you will likely find a joy (or healing) in your marriage you never dreamed possible. When we align our lives with the Word, this can happen and be such a profound blessing.
At one time, I struggled greatly too. I felt Paul was evil. He was simply a man of God of whom God chose to speak through. I do not believe he hated women. He just expected that they should keep their God given place in the headship order. (I Cor. 11)
If that is what God ordained, then should we not as daughters of a mighty God, simply be willing to accept our role, whatever it may be?! We should not struggle when the word is so clear!
Now all of this said, am I a perfect submitting wife that keeps silent in the appropriate times, and always addresses her husband as Master/Lord? No, I humbly and shamefully admit that I do not. I am still learning too, thus my passion for research on this topic. I am not a perfect example of how to be a wife. However, I am sincerely trying my utmost to be a biblically submissive wife. I do not have all the answers. I can only lean on God and my earthly Master to help guide me into the woman God created me to be.
Fortunately we have the Word of God to help guide us as well. I write this article as a plea for ladies to simply stop hating and ignoring what is so clearly commanded of us. Submit with a humble heart to your earthly Master, for the Lord has blessed you with him.
Blessings in Christ
Titus 2
3The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Other thoughts to leave you with.....These are definitions I looked up:

Meekness toward God is that disposition of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting. In the OT, the meek are those wholly relying on God rather than their own strength to defend against injustice. Thus, meekness toward evil people means knowing God is permitting the injuries they inflict, that He is using them to purify His elect, and that He will deliver His elect in His time (Isa 41:17, Luk 18:1-8). Gentleness or meekness is the opposite to self-assertiveness and self-interest. It stems from trust in God's goodness and control over the situation. The gentle person is not occupied with self at all. This is a work of the Holy Spirit, not of the human will (Gal 5:23).
Lord
The to whom a person or thing belongs, about which he has power of deciding; master, lord
a) the possessor and disposer of a thing
1) the owner; one who has control of the person, the master
2) in the state: the sovereign, prince, chief, the Roman emperor
b) is a title of honour expressive of respect and reverence, with which servants greet their master
c) this title is given to: God, the Messiah
Honour
valuing by which the price is fixed
a) of the price itself
b) of the price paid or received for a person or thing bought or sold
2) honour which belongs or is shown to one
a) of the honour which one has by reason of rank and state of office which he holds
b) deference, reverence

From a wonderfully Christ centered blog:

http://radicallyforjesus.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-wifes-submission-to-her-husband.html