This is an excellent article on biblical marriage. How a wife is to live within that marriage, how she can build up or tear down her husband, etc. Just excellent. While written to brides, we are all still brides, and in that God grants us a new day, if we have lived wrongly within our marriages, today we can start afresh as a new bride...Christ's Bride....and a woman worth more than rubies to her husband...to her Husband...be encouraged!~BIHP<3
What does a newly married couple need? What do I wish I had when we started our life together? As I looked back on various scenes from my marriage throughout the years, I discovered several life lessons. Here is my letter to the bride.
One Flesh
Today you are entering into a new life. Although some mistakenly consider marriage to be simply a legal technicality, the reality is that God is joining you to your husband today. From now on, you will no longer be two, but one. When you enter the covenant of marriage, you agree to no longer be “me” but “we.” A marriage is not a joining of two separate worlds, but an abandonment of the first world in order to create a new one. When we get married, we make a serious commitment before God, family, and friends.
Inevitable Challenges
I remember the excitement of planning my wedding and feeling that Jay and I could conquer the world. We were so in love that we never thought divorce would ever be an option. But once our dreams of “living happily ever after” were thrown against the hard walls of reality, we came to a point where we thought our relationship was dead. We didn’t feel close. We didn’t enjoy being together. I had always thought our marriage would be different. But without realizing it, we were arguing about things, and bickering became our regular habit every weekend.
My Testimony
After years of fighting, one Sunday morning during an argument, Jay said, “We’re going to church!” I started to see red as I felt the heat rush to my face. “Oh no we’re not! Go ahead! You’re the one who needs it!” I yelled. Immediately, the thought came to my head, “I have to go to church to save my marriage. There are no other options.” And I decided to go, thinking that if I didn’t like it, I would simply never go back.
I walked into the church with sweaty palms and pounding heart. The rhythm of the music caught my attention. Everyone was singing and clapping. So much joy and love radiated through that place. Looking around, I saw genuine adoration on the faces of people singing to God. During the worship, I started to cry. I felt the pain not only in my marriage, but deep down in my soul. I hoped no one noticed as I wiped away my tears. But one of the church members saw my pain and gently hugged me. I realized that it was okay to cry.
That day, I made the decision to give my life over to God. Jay and I have experienced tremendous healing in our marriage as a result.
Power in the Word of God
I realized how powerful and real God is once we receive Him into our lives. I started to read the Bible searching for answers to life’s questions and looking for peace in my life. In the past, the Bible was difficult for me to understand. But once I surrendered my life over to God, I discovered that the Bible contains tremendous truth that I could apply to my life and gives me power to overcome issues.
Marriage was God’s idea, and His blueprint for marriage is the marriage that works. Happily married couples are rare today in our society of quick and easy divorce, but God’s way of doing marriage is so fulfilling. Once I started applying these truths to my marriage, I began to experience the healing power of God. Only God can reach down and heal the deepest of hurts.
Submissiveness
Submissiveness is an idea that I struggled with as a newly married woman. I used to think that a submissive wife did not have control over her own life; she was a weak woman who could not stand up for herself. That type of worldly thinking is what got me into trouble and took me further from Jay. It didn’t result in the closeness that I longed for. By trying to “assert” myself to avoid letting Jay take advantage of me, I was constantly on the defensive. But what I was doing was pushing him away and not allowing him to truly love me. The independence that I was striving for tore apart our oneness as a couple.
I have learned to make Jay more of a priority. A good wife esteems and respects her husband and doesn’t put herself first. I know that sounds totally opposite from our culture’s view that we should “stand up for ourselves” and “not let anyone take advantage of us.” But God works everything out for the good of those who love Him, and true joy and peace occur when we allow ourselves to love unselfishly. Women who serve their husbands do it because they love him and it increases the love in their marriage. If I strive to be the woman that God intended me to be, I will only be helping my marriage.
How to Love Like God Loves
I am learning to love my husband the way that God loves us. God’s love for us is not based on our performance. It is unconditional. A marriage in which each person loves the other biblically creates the most fulfilling marriage one can experience. In the Bible, “love” is a purposeful commitment to sacrificial action for another. Powerful emotions may accompany biblical love, but it is the commitment of the will that holds love steadfast. Emotions may change, but a commitment to love each other the way God loves us is what makes a marriage thrive.
Of course this is easier said than done in the heat of conflict. Whenever I get angry, I want to tear Jay down with my words. But if I give in to that action, I would not be loving him biblically. Over the years I have learned that my words can tear him down or build him up. The only way to really have peace in the house is to use my words for good and to have a forgiving heart.
Selfishness
One thing that destroys a relationship is selfishness. I make it a point to go about my day with Jay’s needs in mind instead of selfishly taking care of my own needs. Everyone has a natural tendency to be self-centered. “All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God’s paths to follow our own” (Isaiah 53:6). Our culture promotes and encourages selfishness. Over time this will rob the relationship of its romance. My selfish nature focuses on and becomes critical of my mate’s weaknesses or failures. My expressions of disappointment result in his feelings of rejection and even more failure. It’s a vicious cycle. This is what was happening in my marriage, and I didn’t even know it.
Commitment
“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word” (Ephesians 5:25-26 NLT.)
The Bible is full of wisdom for conducting healthy relationships. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 ESV). “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16 ESV). “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39 ESV).
One of the most difficult relationships to maintain is the marital relationship. Your spouse is the closest person to you. He knows you better than anyone else and can push your buttons like no one else. Other relationships can be scaled back when times get tough, but it is the marital relationship that requires the most work in order for the relationship to nourish both parties.
There is a parallel found in the Bible between the human marital relationship and the relationship between Christ and His people. In the verses above, husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loved us.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 ESV). While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Notice that Christ did not look at our behavior to decide whether or not we deserved salvation. He made a commitment to us that he could not take back. His act of love was not based on our performance. He was totally committed.
We need that same level of commitment to our marriage that Christ has for us! When you stand in front your friends and family today, it will be very easy for you both to say that you take each other “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
Sadly, when the going gets tough, many married couples start to question whether the relationship brings them personal happiness. When I hear this, it makes me wonder what happened to the level of commitment that was displayed on the wedding day.
What if Christ had the same level of commitment that some of us do in our marriages? Would he decide to lay down his life for us? Thankfully, he was committed to us all the way.
The best marriages are those in which each person commits to being the best husband or wife they can regardless of the behavior of the other. When I was having marital problems, God showed me that if I would decide to be committed to this marriage and do the hard work that is necessary to make a marriage work, God would give me the strength I needed to do it. And God has been faithful.
I pray that you will say your vows today with the understanding that you are making an undying commitment that will result in a long-lasting marriage that will withstand the test of time.
Now that your wedding day is finally here, you are ready to enter a new phase of life. You will make mistakes, but God is faithful to get you through the hard times. I encourage you to seek His guidance in how to be the wife He wants you to be. I pray that your marriage will be blessed with peace, fulfillment, and joy in the years to come. Congratulations and best wishes to you as you become a wife!
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