"Recently, as I was skimming through my husband’s e-mails, I saw a conversation between him and a woman at his work. The letter began with work related info, but at the end of the e-mail my husband wrote,
“Have I told you how nice you look today?!”
Within thirty-seconds of reading that sentence, I called him up, suspiciously asked him who she was, and (before he could even answer my first question) demanded to know what that exact comment was all about. Jason, very calmly and without hesitation, explained how she is a case worker, thirty years his senior. Her job is specifically to deal with very messy situations. Apparently, whenever my husband has a new case for her, he throws in the“have I told you how nice you look today,” comment to lighten her load. He mentioned, again, that she was in her sixties, but immediately volunteered that if I felt that those comments were inappropriate, he would stop saying them.
I asked him to clarify with me that he doesn’t use that kind of language with anyone close to his age. He said he did not. I continued to grill him until I was satisfied with his answers. My husband remained even-tempered during our talk and, in fact, was more than happy to discuss the matter with me. He even thanked me for asking him about it rather than silently stewing on it and assuming the worst. My husband was, throughout the entire conversation, gentle and kind despite my accusatory tone.
Reflecting on the phone call, I pondered the reverse happening. Sure, it was merely a hypothetical situation, but what if Jason asked me a question about an innocent e-mail in my inbox? Without a doubt, I knew that I would:
Be mad that he was looking through my e-mails (despite the fact that I regularly look through his).
Become defensive and act hurt that he would even assume something inappropriate was going on.
End the conversation by giving him the cold shoulder for at least two days.
Clearly, I am not an approachable wife.
My husband is always very agreeable when I am giving him the third degree. The example above is not the first time I have asked him about an e-mail or phone call that made me uncomfortable. I, without fail, feel free to express to him the times when I believe he is making the wrong choice, or I have concerns about a certain sin in his life. Jason does a great job listening to me, attempting to understand my viewpoint, and he chooses to remain calm no matter what I am challenging him on. Despite the fact that those conversations often begin with me (falsely) accusing my husband, it is his gentle responses that ushers in a title wave of security for this wife. He is incredibly patient, understanding, and full of kindness toward me.
I, on the other hand, don’t handle his questions or comments with the same measure of grace.
I currently have a friend who is choosing to walk away from the Lord. It is heartbreaking to watch, but because she has isolated herself from anyone who might challenge her choices, my influence is limited. I would not describe her to be the least bit approachable, but rather reclusive and avoidant. As I was lamenting the distance she has placed between us, Jason said,“How can you help her when she won’t even allow you close enough to talk with her?”
There is a deep truth in his words that certainly applies to me in the context of marriage!
I am not very welcoming of questions, advice, or conviction. When my husband (lovingly) points out my sinful attitudes, I don’t appreciate his concern. Instead, I grow defensive and shut him out. When he suggests that, perhaps, I didn’t make the right choice; I immediately fly off the handle and vehemently justify my decision.I don’t want to be a wife who isolates herself from her husband’s comments, but that is exactly what I am doing with my attitude. I long to talk with my friend who is forsaking the Lord because I have a deep love and concern for her and her family. I need to realize that my husband might sometimes have a similar longing to confront me, but it would require that I become an approachable wife.
Are you an approachable wife?"
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