The Voice in His Head

by the Respected Husband

On Sunday, September 23rd, the Peacefulwife ran a guest post by Kayla Gulick titled My Demon. In the article, Kayla described how all of the voices in her head accuse her husband of the worst. This prompted a discussion between the Peacefulwife and me. She then asked me about whether a guy has similar voices in his head that paint a bad picture of his wife’s intentions.

FROM A HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

I told her that husbands do have a voice in their head, but it rarely talks about their wives. It is a voice telling them “You don’t have what it takes to do ……,” “You are a failure at …..,” “You are an inadequate husband, father, or son”, and “You are not good enough.” Now, I need to clarify that this voice isn’t on all of the time and usually confined to one topic at a time. This is very different from how the Peacefulwife has explained to me about women’s brains where you have an internal voice coming at you accusing your husband and justifying your disrespect and need for control almost constantly (when a wife is cherishing sin in her heart and is not filled with God’s Spirit).

Much to my surprise, after I had made that statement I turned to find the Peacefulwife with mouth agape, stunned, and fascinated with my response. Shortly, after a little water and some cool compresses on her forehead, she said, “Hmm…Satan’s strategy is to attack the God-given spiritual authority from two sides. The accuser fills the wife’s head with a barrage of ammunition against her husband about how he is not worthy of respect and how she is totally justified in her disrespect and contempt. AND the accuser fills the husband’s head with thoughts about how he is not worthy of respect and that his wife is absolutely right in her observation of his faults. The two accusing voices paralyze leadership in the marriage, in the church, in business, and in government.”

IS THIS NORMAL?

Not wanting to jump to conclusions too quickly, we wondered if this theory held up in other marriages. Understanding that a voice in my head just started saying, “Yeah….Sure, check this out…You will only find that you are different than other guys. Other guys are better than you and wouldn’t think like this at all.” So, the Peacefulwife posted the question on the Facebook page. Shortly, Kayla Gulick responded that she had just asked her husband the same question without giving him my response and he said THE SAME EXACT THING.

Another reader, a husband, responded, “I ditto your husband. We fight the fear that we may not be ‘up to the job’ almost every day. But we are men, so it is shameful to talk about it.”

A husband wants to hide any insecurities or faults that he thinks he has becausehe is afraid that his wife or family will not respect him. He is afraid that he might lose any clout that he might have with his wife and family if he was to let a weakness be revealed.

Wow….So far so good with testing this theory. At church on Sunday evening, we asked the same question to several men to see if they responded in the same way. Their responses seemed to first indicate that maybe I do think like a man and secondly, and probably most importantly, that the idea of Satan attacking the spiritual authority of the marriage from both sides was probably true.

So I started searching for a way to describe what a man hears in his head and I came to the conclusion that the voice in his head is all about exposing his insecurities. I found the following quote from Jake Dudley, a 24 year old blogger, to be a really good description of how a man thinks.

And that’s all insecurity is – FEAR. Fear of things we have no control over in the first place. I know what it feels like. I’ve been faced with the doubt you experience when you are staring at a person of the opposite sex wanting soooo badly to tell them how you feel. But instead you stand there frozen from the insecurity of thinking they’ll NEVER like someone as ugly as I think I am. I’ve stood at the crossroads of a major life decision thinking that no matter which I choose I will fail, so instead I turn into a little boy and run away from all possibilities. I’ve ended things and started things and ignored people and ran away from opportunities all because somewhere along the way I believed my self-inflicted insecurities defined who I was as a man.

But here’s the thing: insecurity has NOTHING to do with who I actually am as person. Instead, it has EVERYTHING to do with who I’m terrified of becoming if I take a risk. I usually think I’ll fail. I usually think I’m not good enough. I usually think girls think I’m ugly. I usually think my time has run out. I usually think and think and think my way into a pity party of self-loathing and doubt that I forget that I was created in the image of an extraordinary God.

One Man’s Insecurities by Jake Dudley,www.corycopeland.net

A WIFE’S ROLE

A guy is always going to have insecurities and feel inadequate to fulfill his role as a husband and father. How can a wife work to control the demons that are not only speaking to her but her husband as well? Your husband needs your respect, your trust, your belief in him, your admiration, and your affirmation. These are the confidence pills for the common insecurity. With a little boost of encouragement your husband can overcome and lead your marriage. I found the following quote from www.greatdatespot.com to be a great description of the role of a wife in handling his insecurities:

But here’s the thing- a man’s wife has a special place : she can truly build him up and quiet all other voices of insecurity -or- she can be the loudest voice of insecurity in the world. It’s a strange and magnificient power that you women yield. And it’s a power given by the source of security.

And while it may seem that these two oppose one another- they don’t. After all- a marriage is supposed to be mirror image of a person’s relationship with Jesus- so if it’s Jesus that a man’s security comes from- then it makes sense that a wife can wield similar power…if she chooses.

Ladies- you should understand- you have two choices here- to be the voice of encouragement and bolster your husband’s security or to be the voice of insecurity and rejection and crush your man (yes- you have that power). There is no third choice- if you choose to disengage and try to be in the middle- you are choosing the latter.

Ladies- your acceptance is not just vocal- though it is that. It’s not just sex, though it is that as well. It’s not respect, though it is that too. It’s all encompassing. Give him great compliments, give him great sex, give him great respect and you will see your husband be spurred on to become the man he was always meant to be. Think about it-the key to your husband becoming who he was meant to be- who you really want him to be – lies with you. Jesus could fully do it without you- but he chose to give you as a gift to your husband to speed it along. And I know, that seems like a tall order. That seems like a lot of weight on your shoulders. But it is your burden- or your joy- depending on how you look at it. Now that is your choice.

http://greatdatespot.com/2010/05/21/a-husbands-insecurity-from-10-things-men-wish-their-wives-knew-about-men/

Every wife wants her husband to be the moral authority for their family. Every husband wants his wife to be his biggest supporter, confidence booster, and encourager. When he can feel that he has your trust and appreciation it is like giving him a shot of energy. That is why it is so easy for a man to literally become unplugged when he does not feel he is getting this support. So what do you have if your husband is the moral authority of your family and you have the gift of energy he needs?

Moral + (e)nergy = Morale

Your marriage will have great morale. If my equation is correct the more of the energy you give him the greater the morale will be in your marriage. He will have the self confidence, self esteem, and drive to be the leader in your marriage and family.

But I know there are many who might say that, “My husband is definitely not the moral authority in our family and there is no way I can affirm him after what he has done.” Unfortunately, these husbands probably need the most support from their wives and yet their life yields very few opportunities for their wife to show praise and compliment thim. I think Priscilla Shirer addresses this pretty well in the following quote:

Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.

But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

Your Husband’s Two Biggest Fears, Priscilla Shirer

If we understand the destructive nature of the voices in our heads and that Satan’s plan is to attack our marriage and family we can start silencing the voices. I know when I feel that my wife is in full support with me about something the voice I hear is, “You can do this because she trusts and believes in you.” The Peacefulwife is very good at saying, “I am going to look out for the good in my husband and let God deal with his sins.”

Let’s build up the morale in our marriages starting now.

When a wife refuses to obey God’s commands by disrespecting her husband, she cooperates with Satan and becomes a megaphone that amplifies the accuser’s message to her husband. But when a wife respects and follows her husband, she cooperates with God and becomes an amplifier for God’s voice and His will. WOW! This is POWERFUL stuff! May we use our power for great good, ladies! – The Peacefulwife

 http://peacefulwife.com/

To read "My Demon" ( a very good read and I highly suggest that you DO read it, BTW)...here is the link...

http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/23/my-demon/

Am I Giving “Marriage Advice” to Non-Christians?

My purpose is to teach biblical principles about marriage (and living for Jesus Christ) to women who have given their lives to Jesus as both Savior and Lord. The only wisdom I have comes from Scripture. EVERYONE is very welcome to read here – from any background and any faith. If you are discouraged, frustrated, lost and looking for hope – I believe you will find it here! I deeply desire EVERYONE to come to know Christ. And the great news is, everyone CAN come to Christ! The principles of God’s Word always work, but the promises of the Bible are for believers in Christ:

ROMANS 8 applies to those who love God and know Christ. I want EVERYONE to experience the blessings and promises of God!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:28-39

The promises of God’s Word are for those who are willing to obey Jesus in everything. He asks for our total surrender. He gave up His life completely for us, now, we give up our lives completely for Him:

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 25What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:24-26

MY AUDIENCE:

I am writing primarily for those women who love Jesus wholeheartedly (or who want to learn to love Him this way) and have been called according to His purpose. I am also writing for those who are hurting, lonely, lost, discouraged, depressed and searching for answers who desperately need to hear about Jesus – as we ALL do!

Some of the principles from God’s Word may be of some benefit to unbelievers – like a wife showing respect to her husband. Men are generally hardwired to desire and respond to respect more than to respond to disrespect, just like women are generally hardwired to desire and respond to love. And reducing sin (things God says are wrong in His Word) always blesses any relationship. But the reason biblical submission “works” is that we are first completely submitted to Christ as Lord. Then we can receive His promise to use all things for our good and for His glory – even if a wife’s husband is far from God.

Will submission “work” for an unbelieving wife?

For many women, the definition of these things “working” is that they can control their husbands and make them do what they want them to. That is not what this journey is about at all.

The principles of the Bible always work – whether a person is a believer or not. So, any wife may benefit to some degree if she honors her husband’s leadership (although, if he has an active addiction, or is being very abusive or is mentally unstable – please seek godly, experienced help from someone you can trust!) But when a believer obeys God and walks by faith in Jesus Christ, that person can trust God’s sovereignty and cling to God’s promises all throughout the Bible. That is what I want for each of you!
However, sometimes God will use a person’s willingness to try to obey Him to bring them to Himself. I don’t ever want to discourage anyone from attempting to obey God even before they come to Christ. EVERYONE is welcome and invited to read my blog! (please check out Sarah’s comments for an incredible testimony about this issue and how God used her submission to her husband to bring her to Christ!)

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Please catch that. God rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

If someone is just trying to get “marriage advice” and they are not trying to earnestly seek Jesus, they miss out on the greatest blessings and promises of God. They may benefit from the principles to a degree. But I long for each of you to experience the greatest blessings!

It is my prayer that each person who reads my blog may come to know Christ Jesus. But, if you try to apply what I talk about apart from living fully for Christ, I think you may be frustrated. As you are willing to put your faith and trust in Jesus, He is able to empower you so that you can do this thing!

If a woman does not know Christ Jesus as her Savior and Lord, that is her greatest need! This one decision determines each person’s eternal destiny. Then, once she comes to know Him and yields her life to Him, she can begin to apply biblical principles through the power of her faith in Jesus and God’s Spirit living in and working through her. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a godly wife in our own human strength.

“I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but through Me.” John 14:6

After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed:

“Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. 2 For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. 3 Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. 4 I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do. 5 And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.” John 17:1-5

If you have never received the gift of forgiveness and eternal life that Jesus will give to you – through the biblical gospel...which is that He died in your place for what many will call "the wrong things you have done" and in a way are right...they ARE wrong...but which is actually called SIN against our Creator and God, how Christ paid YOUR penalty on the cross by paying your sin debt to God, and how God raised Him back to life so that those who trust in Him might also be raised to life forever with Him in heaven, I invite you to check out http://needgod.com/001.shtml . 

ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...you most assuredly are not "the only one". God says ALL and He means all. So no, you are not beyond God's redemption through Christ alone. And on the flip side of that...while the old crutch of "nobody's perfect" is a timeless favorite....it does nothing to escape that fact nor solve your eternal problem, which is without the biblical Christ as your genuine Savior and LORD, you stand condemned to hell right now as a result of your sin against God...so, take a deep breath, know that many of us have sinned FAR worse then you, or not as bad as you...but the ground is level at the foot of the cross, and all who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved, and go to Need God...because you do...we all do. And there is only one way to Him as Father, and not as righteous Judge. Jesus says clearly "Repent and believe"....won't you do that when such grace can be made available to you today? <3

Reblogged from a very good blog for women who seek to honor Christ and obey God in their marriages... 

http://peacefulwife.com/2014/08/29/am-i-giving-marriage-advice-to-non-christians/

Victim Card in Marriage!

If I was talking about someone and used the phrase, “she knows how to play the victim card” – can you get a mental image of the type of person I am talking about?

The other day, I was talking with a friend who was explaining why she was upset with her husband and she used the phrase, “I feel justified in my behavior.” While my advice to her was that no matter how she feels, nothing justifies her behavior, I couldn’t help but personalize the situation. Even though I don’t like to admit it, I can easily make excuses regarding my behavior towards my husband and subconsciously “play the victim card” in my marriage.

Examples might be when my husband works more than I want him to and he comes home not to smiling wife, but a wife who is cranky. Victim Card. Or when my husband wants some time to himself and so he is home, but isn’t helping with the children and begin to think, “when will it be my turn to go have some personal time?” Victim Card. If my husband hasn’t been as romantic as I would have liked I can make a snide comment and blame it on “an empty love tank.” Victim Card. When I make harsh statements, lose my patience, describe something as “always” or “never,” or roll my eyes. Victim Card. When I begin keeping score (I changed 6 dirty diapers today and he only changed 4). Victim Card.

The above examples have been (sadly) personal towards me, but think about the typical “nagging” wife that is often portrayed. Even if she has a genuine reason to be upset: the nagging, whining, name calling, finger pointing, & tit for tat attitude is a perfect example of a wife feeling justified in her behavior.

I don’t think many of us would admit we were playing the victim card and most of us probably don’t even realize we are doing it, but as I look back over my marriage, I can see how I felt justified in not watching my words or tone when speaking with my husband when in reality there was no justification for my behavior.

It isn’t about what our husbands do or don’t do. It isn’t about how much they help out or don’t help out. It isn’t about their attitudes or actions. It is about us. We are the only people in control of our behavior and if we allow ourselves to respond to a situation with the victim card (even though we feel 100% justified in doing so) then we have not helped the situation, but rather, we have created another problem.The Bible tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1), blessed are the peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), to think of others more highly than yourself (Philippians 2:3), be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19), and that it is better to live in the desert than with a quarrelsome and ill tempered wife (Proverbs 21:9).

 
When we justify our behaviors, attitudes, and emotions based on those of our husbands then we are no longer living in the Spirit, but in the flesh. We are putting unnecessary pressure on our husbands to be our moral compass when in reality, no matter what they do, our response is solely up to us.

To be sure, this doesn’t mean that we can’t speak the truth in love to our husband or seek outside help when it is needed. Our job is to make sure that our response is seasoned with grace and covered in prayer. If we are Christian wives, then regardless of the attitudes and actions of our husbands, we need to always be demonstrating love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). We can’t do this in our own strength, but rather this response will only become natural through spending time in prayer, in the Word, and relying on the Holy Spirit for strength and not our own flesh or circumstances.

There is no doubt that there will be times when our husband will frustrate us, anger us, and say things that hurt our feelings, but we can’t let our frustration, anger, and hurt feelings excuse any retaliation of words, attitudes, or actions!

http://darbydugger.com/victim-card-in-marriage/

Two Things.....

Sisters...I have two wonderful things for you today...

First, a wonderful opportunity to grow as a Christian wife...From Jolene Engle, Christian Wife University. This is so exciting! Actual, online and personal "Wife Couching" from a sister who has SUCH a heart for training up godly wives and SUCH a wonderful grasp on scripture and how it applies to our daily lives. I pray that you will take this providence to heart and put it to use in your own lives, as wives first, married to our Bridegroom and to the one who He gave as your husband here. Check out the link...noodle around...be sure to click the link in the article, and sign up! I will meet you there. :-)


http://christianwifeuniversity.com/biblical-wife-coaching-is-here/

Second....something we all need so much, as we submit to the word and to our beloved husbands....prayer:

"Dear Heavenly Father, After years of submitting to You and telling You I trust You, I am facing the truth that I still hold onto control over parts of my life. I am so sorry for doing this. I wasn’t intentionally trying to keep these parts of my life from You, more so I was motivated by fear of what would happen if I let go of the clutched fist I had on them. I do want to surrender myself to You and I want to trust You completely. Help me to live by faith and not by fear. I love You Lord! I pray You would show me areas of my life I am gripping for control and then give me the courage to let go and trust that You have me in Jesus’ name AMEN!"

Okay gals...let's get going in growing into the wives God intends us to be, according to His word and not according to this perishing world. ~BIHP <3

A Wife's Submission to Her Husband

Ephesians 5
22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

****************

33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Submission to Your Husband?! Sisters, it is often asked, should a wife submit to her husband? If she wishes to follow scripture the answer is a resounding yes. The scripture is EXTREMELY clear on this point. You can follow it or not. If you are a new Christian and were unaware of the verses regarding submission, I can imagine they might be a shock to you. However, I think even some of us who have been Christian a long time still are in shock. Many Christian ladies hate or are embarrassed by these scriptures. They are proud of their faith, but don’t want others to think they are “mindless”. They will find any excuse to not obey. If you are trying to pass it off as a “cultural” requirement, do you realize you are ignoring a command of God? Either you believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God or you don’t. If you do, shouldn’t you obey it?!
Yes, I admit I sound harsh here. Sisters, so many of us struggle with this issue. I would like to cover in more detail some of the reasons why.

The World
Romans 12: 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.One of the first questions we ask ourselves is what will the everyone think? Society would think us foolish if we openly did so. As Christians we must grasp that we are NOT to be lovers of the world. We should not care what people think. We should only care what God thinks about how we live our lives.
Even those that have established that submission is required still seem to have issues with it. I have read many, many articles on this topic. Both in my journey to understanding that I needed to obey my husband, but also in the years since. They make statements like “I submit, but I am still an equal”. They make long elaborate articles on why they aren’t mindless. They state how to be submissive, but not be a doormat. They say it takes a strong woman to submit. They argue how they submit, but are not inferior. They may even say we should submit to each other.
What do these statements sound like? Ladies, they sound like 'the world' talking. They are crafted as not to offend and try to convince this world that submission isn’t what they think it is. They want it to be seen in a different softer light. They want respect.
Here is a scriptural fact though. The world will not love you, understand you, nor respect you. Why do you spin your wheels trying to get that accomplished? It isn’t going to happen unless you compromise the very word of God?! Stop trying to make the command to submission look “soft”. It is what it is. Yes it is patriarchal! Yes it is male dominant! So what?!
If that is the way God wants it I am okay with that. I love God and I trust that He knows best. If the world calls me a doormat for that, so be it.
The comment that it “takes a strong woman to submit”. Again, this is catering to the world. The Bible directly says that the woman is the WEAKER vessel. We have to accept that for what it is. We are who God made us to be, accept it with grace. Do not let your pride be your downfall.
John 17:14 I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.

But I can’t obey MY husband

I think a major issue of fear is that many women don’t trust their husbands. They think he will never step up and be a good leader. Almost the first thing that comes up with this topic is “what if he asks me to sin?”.
Let us not trouble ourselves with foolish and endless lists of “what if” questions. Simply trust God to guide your life. Trust your husband to lead. Most of the time you have to give that trust, before anything will start to happen. Likely you might even have years ahead of your before your husband feels you are able to really accept his leadership. You can’t correct in one day, a relationship of many years. You do have to start somewhere though.
How the husband treats the wife is often made into a condition of submission. Sisters point out the passage on the requirement that a husband is to love us as Christ loved the church. They may accuse that this part is often the “forgotten” portion. Then they go into great detail of how they feel the husband should treat them. Some even argue that if the husband isn’t living right, that they don’t have to obey.

Don't Teach Him How to Do His Job
I Timothy 2: 12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
The Bible says we are to submit to our husbands in EVERYTHING as UNTO THE LORD. It does not say “if” he does this, or “if” he is a Christian, there are no conditions put on it. It is a command. Period. We are also not to be teaching men nor usurping authority. Trying to define how he is supposed to “love” us is not our place. When we set conditions like that, we are taking an authority.If we feel that our husband doesn’t really love us if he doesn’t seek our advice, we are setting standards that the Bible does not. Yes, it is nice when your husband seeks your opinion. However, HE IS NOT REQUIRED to do so. That does not mean he isn’t fulfilling his scriptural command to love us. Stop trying to define how he should carry out his duty. Let us submissively, and reverently focus on our own duty.

Our Hearts in Obedience

Obviously part of that duty is to simply obey your husband's directives. However, the most important part is carrying them out with a cheerful and submissive heart. If we obey, but our heart is not right, we are still sinning.

Examples of Godly Obedience 

I have just a couple of duties that I would like to address as they are so commonly despised. One is that we are commanded to be silent in church. How many follow this command? Not many. Much time is spent trying to argue around this command as well. Again often cultural reasons are sited for not obeying. Disobedience is still disobedience.
One could even argue that when looking up the Greek definitions of the passage that even within group of men conversing that we should keep silence. Why do most women find this to be abhorrent as a concept? Culture, feminist upbringing, desire for their own say, pride, etc. There are many reasons, we often have different ones. It doesn’t matter really. What matters is are we looking at this command through the eyes of the Holy Spirit. When that is done, you like won’t find it so awful.
I Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.
35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

Sarah Obeyed Abraham calling him Lord 

Finally, another issue of submission within this line of thought is, “Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord”. Both men and women nearly flip their lid at the thought of a wife calling her husband Lord (or Master as an alternate translation). I don’t have to explain why people find it appalling. However, it is NOT an evil thing as many see it. It is a matter of respect and of showing due reverence to the husband. If your husband directly doesn’t want you to do that, then obey him of course. However you address him, be respectful and reverential. Remember he IS your Master/Lord. No, he is not God. No one is claiming that. It is simply title of great respect and honor. If he would desire that you call him this, don’t treat him like villain for that desire. Why not address the man you love as Master? He is the man God has put in authority over you. He is the man that God created your very life for. If it was acceptable for Sarah to do, and we are encouraged to follow her example, then we should take this to heart.
1Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Conclusion

If you willingly and joyfully obey the scriptures in this, I believe you will likely find a joy (or healing) in your marriage you never dreamed possible. When we align our lives with the Word, this can happen and be such a profound blessing.
At one time, I struggled greatly too. I felt Paul was evil. He was simply a man of God of whom God chose to speak through. I do not believe he hated women. He just expected that they should keep their God given place in the headship order. (I Cor. 11)
If that is what God ordained, then should we not as daughters of a mighty God, simply be willing to accept our role, whatever it may be?! We should not struggle when the word is so clear!
Now all of this said, am I a perfect submitting wife that keeps silent in the appropriate times, and always addresses her husband as Master/Lord? No, I humbly and shamefully admit that I do not. I am still learning too, thus my passion for research on this topic. I am not a perfect example of how to be a wife. However, I am sincerely trying my utmost to be a biblically submissive wife. I do not have all the answers. I can only lean on God and my earthly Master to help guide me into the woman God created me to be.
Fortunately we have the Word of God to help guide us as well. I write this article as a plea for ladies to simply stop hating and ignoring what is so clearly commanded of us. Submit with a humble heart to your earthly Master, for the Lord has blessed you with him.
Blessings in Christ
Titus 2
3The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Other thoughts to leave you with.....These are definitions I looked up:

Meekness toward God is that disposition of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting. In the OT, the meek are those wholly relying on God rather than their own strength to defend against injustice. Thus, meekness toward evil people means knowing God is permitting the injuries they inflict, that He is using them to purify His elect, and that He will deliver His elect in His time (Isa 41:17, Luk 18:1-8). Gentleness or meekness is the opposite to self-assertiveness and self-interest. It stems from trust in God's goodness and control over the situation. The gentle person is not occupied with self at all. This is a work of the Holy Spirit, not of the human will (Gal 5:23).
Lord
The to whom a person or thing belongs, about which he has power of deciding; master, lord
a) the possessor and disposer of a thing
1) the owner; one who has control of the person, the master
2) in the state: the sovereign, prince, chief, the Roman emperor
b) is a title of honour expressive of respect and reverence, with which servants greet their master
c) this title is given to: God, the Messiah
Honour
valuing by which the price is fixed
a) of the price itself
b) of the price paid or received for a person or thing bought or sold
2) honour which belongs or is shown to one
a) of the honour which one has by reason of rank and state of office which he holds
b) deference, reverence

From a wonderfully Christ centered blog:

http://radicallyforjesus.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-wifes-submission-to-her-husband.html

10 WAYS A WIFE CAN INFLUENCE THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND by Jolene Engle

"I was in a room filled with women as we sat chatting about the Bible and that’s when it happened…

A woman from across the room responded to my comment when she said, “Your husband actually listens to you?” Mine doesn’t listen to me! I’ll tell him he should do certain things, but he doesn’t listen.”

I could tell based on the look in her eyes and the sadness in her voice she wished her relationship with her husband was different. But because of the setting I was in, I couldn’t exactly go into a teaching on a wife’s influence- how she could use it or how she could lose it.

Then I came home and shared the scenario with my man. I asked him some questions so I could get a better understanding of the male gender. I talked with him about influence, more specifically, what does a wife do (or not do) that stirs up the husband’s heart so she’s able to make a positive impact on his life.

“Why is it that I’m able to influence you, I asked. What are those little things I do that cause you to take note in what I say?”

And so he shared with me the following:
10 WAYS A WIFE CAN INFLUENCE THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND

1) Be a wife he can trust. Influence comes from trust and without trust, there is no influence.

2) Be kind and gracious to him. He feels welcomed by this.

3) Stand in his corner and fight with him against the world, rather than back him into a corner.

4) Every man wants a woman who is on his side when they’re in the midst of a trial. Be the kind of wife who cheers him on so he can win the battle.

5) Support him in his endeavors. By believing in him and following him, this makes him feel like he can conqueror anything.

6) Esteem him in public. There is no higher compliment in his eyes.

7) Be a safe place for him. Accept him for who he is rather than judge him for his shortcomings.

8) Let him know you’re praying for him. This shows you care about his spiritual well-being.

9) Be a passionate wife. Pursue him intimately.

10) Put him before the children. Show him you respect him by teaching your children to respect him.

Choose to be a joyful wife. Be content with life rather than gripe about life.


An excellent wife is the crown of her husband. Proverbs 12:4

An excellent wife is a wife who seeks to use her influence to bring glory to God rather than to glorify herself."

http://joleneengle.com/

(I might add...stop telling your husband how to do things...he is not your child, he is your husband. Nothing spells D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T more to a man than his wife correcting him or bossing him as if he is a brainless twit. He is your husband. And if you really think he doesn't know how to do anything, or that he doesn't make good decisions...remember...he chose you. What would that make YOU? ;-) )~BIHP

Allowing Our Husbands To Lead {Without Our Help}

Very good! Reblogged from Unveiled Wife. 

I had been a Christian for five years when I married my Christian husband in late 2004. We had met two years prior while volunteering at our church and he first held my hand when we were on a mission trip to Cuba. We prayed, worshiped, studied the Word, and served others together on a regular basis.

Our faith was the foundation of our friendship and the support beams of our relationship. It felt only natural to craft our wedding ceremony to be more about Christ than about us.

Perhaps it was my youthful aspirations (I was only 22 at the time), but I talked about what a joy it would be to submit to my Christ-like husband. I had high unrealistic expectations of how he would lead our family. I envisioned him stoping us throughout the day to pray together and I counted on him solely to come up with devotions for our family. I imagined that it would be natural for him to serve me joyfully and provide for us cheerfully as he led our family on whatever grand adventures awaited us. I expected Jason to not merely fight his own flesh, but win each and every battle since, after all, he was the spiritual head of our house.

As I write this today, my heart breaks for my husband and the enormous pressure I put him under in the early years of our marriage. I expected him to be perfect and each time he didn’t live up to my definition of a “spiritual leader,” I sulked rather than encouraged. I judged rather than prayed. Over time, and through the wise words of others, I began to show my husband grace (The same grace he has faithfully shown me since day one of our marriage).

I thought I had matured past the struggle of having unmet unrealistic expectations for my husband, but a conversation I had with a friend last week revealed otherwise. As all seven of our children romped around her basement, the two of us discussed how to thrive in a marriage when the husband and wife have conflicting visions for their family’s future. I shared our own lack of unity, but concluded by stating, 

My husband is a great leader … even if he isn’t leading the way I want him to.

My purpose behind the statement was to say something positive about my husband.To honor him in my speech even if I disagree with some of his decisions. Yet, on my drive home I began dissecting the statement above. Memories of those early years of marriage, when I was more critical than compassionate, came flooding back. I began to realize I had not rid myself of those gnarly expectations after all! I expected my husband to lead our family the way I wanted him to and because he wasn’t currently doing that, I was struggling to support his decisions. My mind began to wander:

What Would It Look Like If My Husband Led Our Family The Way I Wanted Him To?

Before I could image the answer, the Lord interrupted my thoughts. He said,

If your husband led your family the way you want him to… Wouldn’t it really be YOU who were leading the family?!

I mulled over that thought for almost 24 hours before conviction fell. I am blessed to be married to man who walks with the Lord, and yet I can get caught up in how my husband is, or is not, living up to the standards I have set for him. If he comes to a decision that differs from my own, or he reaches the same conclusion only he has processed his decision differently, I pridefully presume my way is better, my decision is better, and thus I accuse him of not leading the way I desire.

Here’s The Thing: I’m Not The Leader.

But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man… ~ 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ~ Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands… ~ 1 Peter 3:1-2,5 

Regardless of my thoughts concerning my husband’s leadership, the truth remains that I am not the one ordained to be in charge. God intentionally placed husbands as the head of the house and it is no accident that I was created a woman! My contribution to my family is not found in my attempts to lead nor in persuading my husband to do things “my way.” I glorify God when I step aside and allow the Holy Spirit to lead, convict, and inspire my husband. Submitting to my husband as he leads me, in his own way, is what will demonstrate the amazing relationship between Christ and the Church to a lost and hurting world.

Do you struggle with allowing your husband to lead in his own way?

Will you join me in stepping aside to allow our husbands to truly lead? 

http://unveiledwife.com/

8 HABITS OF A GRACIOUS WIFE by Jolene Engle

Reblogged from The Alabastar Jar....

"At the beginning of mine and Eric’s dating relationship it was easy for me to be a gracious girlfriend, after all, through the ‘girlfriend’ lenses that I was wearing, the guy I was dating could so easily walk on water!  I was a gracious girl who thought being gracious toward my guy was effortless.

Then I became a gracious bride-to-be.  This wasn’t hard either since we were married 6 months after we had started dating.  Yes, I was living a whirlwind romance!  And what bride-to-be, who has been swept off her feet, is not gracious toward her groom?  I’ve yet to meet one.

I think most brides start off their marriage with the intentions of being gracious toward their man, after all, who would want to marry a guy they were constantly displeased with?

But then the marriage begins…

Like all marriages, the exhilaration of ours died down and the settling of our lives took place. Hence, becoming a bitter wife seemed so much easier than being a gracious one!

I remember a defining moment in my marriage when I was attending a Bible study years ago.  I had been married less than a year.  There I sat with all older women; women who had been saved longer than I had been and women who had been married longer than me as well.  I was hoping to learn and glean some wonderful nuggets of truth from them (and I did) but I also learned what not to do based on their words and actions.  As a few women talked about their marriages and their men, what I learned from them was that they had bitterness growing in their hearts.  They weren’t necessarily bashing their guys, but they weren’t exactly thrilled about them either.  I wondered what happened in their marriages.  What made them so disappointed?  After all, these were all Godly women.

I pondered their perspectives and I mentally took notes.  I remember that night so well back in 1998 and I resolved in my heart to not let myself become a bitter wife, however, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go about this!  I knew I needed to guard my heart from becoming bitter towards Eric, but I didn’t think that thought process was enough to protect my heart.  I felt I needed to be proactive is this pursuit rather than just reactive, therefore, I set out on a journey of becoming a gracious wife.  I quickly learned that the prescription to ward off a bitter wife was to become a gracious one.

Below are some habits I’ve embraced in my life to help me in this endeavor. Of course I’m not always perfect in this pursuit, but these habits have helped me from developing a bitter heart towards my beloved.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. Prov. 31:26

8 HABITS OF A GRACIOUS WIFE

1. Be consistent in reading the Word of God and remain abiding in Christ.  Jesus Christ is the Source of grace, therefore, remain attached to the Source.  A wife can’t pour out grace unless grace is being poured into her.
2. I quickly learned I couldn’t be gracious in my own strength.  I needed to rely on the power of the Holy Spirit to move in my heart to help me in this pursuit.
3. I’ve had to keep my eyes focused on my sin rather than on my husband’s.
4. I needed to go to the Lord with my concerns and frustrations first.
5. I learned not to stuff my feelings.  After I’ve spent time with the Lord, then I would respectfully express my concerns with my husband.
6. When my husband failed or disappointed me, I had to learn to let things go and let God move in his heart.
7. I’ve had to teach myself to focus on my husband’s strengths rather than his weaknesses.
8. I would surround myself with other wives who desired to be gracious towards their husbands.  If I couldn’t find any because they were just learning this biblical concept, then I would try to influence them!  This pursuit was and still is a great source of accountability for me.

If you’re struggling with bitterness in your heart towards your husband, here’s a post I’ve written that will get to some root issues to help you overcome in this area.

With all of my gracious seeking habits aside, let me share with you something you might find interesting.  My favorite wife of the Bible during this season of my life is,The Bitter Wife.  She’s taught me a great deal about hardships and some biblical principles to apply to my own life." 

http://joleneengle.com/

An Approachable Wife

Another from Darby Dugger...How well do you relate to her struggle with being an approachable wife? Personally, I can relate a little too well in a little too many areas...Pride, Defensiveness, and the ugly propensity to wall up for a while...yeah, that's pretty welcoming for any husband, eh? Um...No. Bleh. How about you? Where do you struggle? Maybe Darby can help point out some areas that need your attention, as we seek to honor the Lord together in how we relate to our husbands AS to the Lord. Ouch is right...BIHP

"Recently, as I was skimming through my husband’s e-mails, I saw a conversation between him and a woman at his work. The letter began with work related info, but at the end of the e-mail my husband wrote,

“Have I told you how nice you look today?!”

Within thirty-seconds of reading that sentence, I called him up, suspiciously asked him who she was, and (before he could even answer my first question) demanded to know what that exact comment was all about. Jason, very calmly and without hesitation, explained how she is a case worker, thirty years his senior. Her job is specifically to deal with very messy situations. Apparently, whenever my husband has a new case for her, he throws in the“have I told you how nice you look today,” comment to lighten her load. He mentioned, again, that she was in her sixties, but immediately volunteered that if I felt that those comments were inappropriate, he would stop saying them.

I asked him to clarify with me that he doesn’t use that kind of language with anyone close to his age. He said he did not. I continued to grill him until I was satisfied with his answers. My husband remained even-tempered during our talk and, in fact, was more than happy to discuss the matter with me. He even thanked me for asking him about it rather than silently stewing on it and assuming the worst. My husband was, throughout the entire conversation, gentle and kind despite my accusatory tone.

Reflecting on the phone call, I pondered the reverse happening. Sure, it was merely a hypothetical situation, but what if Jason asked me a question about an innocent e-mail in my inbox? Without a doubt, I knew that I would:
Be mad that he was looking through my e-mails (despite the fact that I regularly look through his).
Become defensive and act hurt that he would even assume something inappropriate was going on.
End the conversation by giving him the cold shoulder for at least two days.
Clearly, I am not an approachable wife.

My husband is always very agreeable when I am giving him the third degree. The example above is not the first time I have asked him about an e-mail or phone call that made me uncomfortable. I, without fail, feel free to express to him the times when I believe he is making the wrong choice, or I have concerns about a certain sin in his life. Jason does a great job listening to me, attempting to understand my viewpoint, and he chooses to remain calm no matter what I am challenging him on. Despite the fact that those conversations often begin with me (falsely) accusing my husband, it is his gentle responses that ushers in a title wave of security for this wife. He is incredibly patient, understanding, and full of kindness toward me.

I, on the other hand, don’t handle his questions or comments with the same measure of grace.

I currently have a friend who is choosing to walk away from the Lord. It is heartbreaking to watch, but because she has isolated herself from anyone who might challenge her choices, my influence is limited. I would not describe her to be the least bit approachable, but rather reclusive and avoidant. As I was lamenting the distance she has placed between us, Jason said,“How can you help her when she won’t even allow you close enough to talk with her?”
There is a deep truth in his words that certainly applies to me in the context of marriage!

I am not very welcoming of questions, advice, or conviction. When my husband (lovingly) points out my sinful attitudes, I don’t appreciate his concern. Instead, I grow defensive and shut him out. When he suggests that, perhaps, I didn’t make the right choice; I immediately fly off the handle and vehemently justify my decision.I don’t want to be a wife who isolates herself from her husband’s comments, but that is exactly what I am doing with my attitude. I long to talk with my friend who is forsaking the Lord because I have a deep love and concern for her and her family. I need to realize that my husband might sometimes have a similar longing to confront me, but it would require that I become an approachable wife.

Are you an approachable wife?"

http://darbydugger.com/

Honest Truth About Communication In Marriage

This article really spoke to me. Mainly because I can be incredibly verbose, and most of what I say after I get started talking should have been kept in the "vault". Something I have determined to deliberately work on. With that in mind, I will just say, check out http://darbydugger.com/ for some pretty great marriage articles. That is all. ;-)~BHIP

"For our entire relationship, communication has been a struggle for my husband and myself. For many, many years I have placed exclusive blame on my husband’s private nature. Over the past couple of months, however, the Lord has been taking me on a journey regarding my own communication weaknesses. I am left humbled and embarrassed to admit that the bulk of our communication struggles have, truly, been mine.

Communication involves two important factors: speaking and listening. While I used to think I was an expert in both… I am realizing that is my weaknesses in both areas that have made the past decade a struggle.

Speech:

My husband is an introvert who has always lovingly joked that I have “a lot of words.” He’s right. I am an extrovert who, usually, does not struggle to verbalize my thoughts or feelings. Over the years, I have been so hurt by the times I felt that my husband was choosing not to listen to me, but I never considered that it was the way I was communicating that hindered his listening skills. My tones and words do not always invite my husband to tune in and truly listen.  I mumble, blabber, speak with my mouth full, and can be critical and negative.

I Don’t Speak In Such A Way That My Husband Loves To Listen To Me.

Being intentional in marriage is of the upmost importance. I am intentional in how I spend my time, in not cultivating a friendship with the opposite sex, in prioritizing physical intimacy with my husband, and in honoring him in my thoughts. Yet, I am not, ever, intentional in filtering my words. I have a tendency to ramble which leads to purposeless words being spoken without restraint or forethought.

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak. (Matthew 12:36)

In a quest to fill the silence around my house, I have mastered in small talk. I can bring up a dozen different conversations with my husband about our calendar, the weather, or home improvement projects. While discussing these things is a part of sharing life together, it is keeping our emotional intimacy in an infancy stage. I need to grow more comfortable with silence and, when I feel led, I need to discuss deep matters of the heart and soul which will strengthen our relationship.

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt… (Colossians 4:6a)

The messages I send to my husband should be positive and up-lifting. Do I make the most of my words by utilizing them to set the stage for him to be the hero of our home? There is no room, in a healthy marriage, for a critical or nagging wife.I desire to be an Ephesians 4:29 wife who only speaks words that are beneficial for building my husband up.

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

Listening:

Marriage is a call to listen. Oh, how I struggle with this. This area, in particular, is where the Lord is revealing to me that I am a hindrance to healthy marital communication. While I accuse my husband of not sharing his feelings with me — the truth is — I am not a safe place for him to do so.

I Don’t Listen In Such A Way That My Husband Loves To Speak To Me. 

As I listen to my husband, I often interrupt him. Sometimes I become so eager to express my opinion that I cut him off completely. Other times, I assume I know the direction he is taking the conversation, so I simply finish the sentence for him (even though, there have been countless times when I have said what I thought my husband was going to say and yet I was far off base). When I interrupt him, I am communicating that his words aren’t important. My choice to not listen well limits his desire to dialogue with me!

To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Another example of how my listening skills need improvement is in the fact that don’t give my husband’s words the respect that they deserve. Rather than listening to his heart, I quickly become defensive if his opinions differ from my own or I don’t like what he has to say. I have been known to throw his words back at him in nasty and critical ways that limit his eagerness to continue intimately communicating with me. I must become a safe person for my husband to talk to which will require me to become a better listener!

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry… (James 1:19).  

What Is A Wife To Do?

If your marriage, like mine, struggles in the area of communication… please know that you are not alone! At the beginning of our marriage, I prayed and prayed for the Lord to give my husband a desire to share with me his deepest thoughts and struggles. For years, that prayer has gone unanswered. Only in the past few months, as I have switched my prayer, asking the Lord refine me, have I seen a breakthrough in our openness and vulnerability. The difference has been in the changes I have made! As I strive to speak in such a way that my husband loves to listen to me… I realize my ever-present need to be diligent about guarding, filtering, and choosing wisely my words. As I strive to listen in such a way that my husband loves to speak to me… my eyes have been opened to how unhealthy my listening skills have been. You can’t change your husband’s communication quirks, you can look at your own style of socialization and pray for God to open your eyes to where you need improvement. If we focus on improving ourselves as wives, our marriages will certainly be blessed!"

Stubborn Obedience is Disobedience

What should our attitude be in submitting to our husbands? Should we practice joyful submission even when we fully disagree with our husbands? Yes! I firmly believe that we need to learn to joyfully submit to our husbands whether we agree with them or not since God is the one who made the husband the leader of the home and when we submit to our husbands, we are submitting to the Lord. If he leads us in the wrong direction, he will have to answer to the Lord for this, not us. Do not be afraid! God never gives commands that we are not able to obey.

Jack Graham is a preacher my daughter, Cassi, loves. She will send me some of his daily devotionals to me if she thinks I will enjoy them. Here are some quotes from a recent one she sent me that I just loved!

There's a difference between true obedience and stubborn obedience. And in marriage, there's a difference between heartfelt submission to God's design and rebellious submission...a rebelliously obedient wife may think, "I'll submit to my husband's leadership, but I'm going to always second-guess him."

Rebellious obedience is the same as disobedience. So obey God's design for marriage with a joyful heart. When you have that kind of attitude, you'll experience a deeper joy as you align your heart with God's will for you! Experience true joy in your marriage through heartfelt obedience to God's design.

God calls children to obey their parents. We, as their parents, are responsible to train our children to obey us. We want them to obey us immediately and with a good attitude. If they grudgingly obeyed us, we would deal with them and tell them that it is unacceptable behavior.

In the same way, wives are commanded to obey their husbands. God's commands are not burdensome. We need to obey our husbands immediately and with a good attitude understanding that this command is really coming from the mouth of God. Unless there is obedience all the time, there is no obedience. So, if you choose when to obey your husband, you are not obeying him at all. You are simply doing your own will, and sometimes it happens to coincide with his wishes {Elizabeth Rice Handford}.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;

but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.

Philippians 2:3

When we esteem our husbands better than ourselves, we make it much easier to respect, honor, and obey them. God has not called us to strife but to peace. Be at peace with your husband, stop arguing with him about his decisions, and train yourself to joyfully submit, for this pleases the Lord.

Reblogged from Always learning. See my blog list and check out Lori's blog.:-)