July 31, 2014

Are You For Your Husband?

I came across a great article entitled,  Does Your Husband Know You Are For Him?  Let me share a list of questions we as wives should be asking ourselves of how we are making the gospel come alive in our marriages.

"The two greatest things that could ever happen to a man is to live in the overflowing awareness of God’s pleasure and to experience his wife’s undeniable affection. One of the most practical ways a wife could live out the Gospel is to practically give it out to her husband."
~Rick Thomas

20 questions to make the Gospel come alive in your marriage
Paul gives us a way to think about God’s love for us. He does not just say, “God loves you,” he proves it–he shows us. With that in mind, here are some thoughts that will aid you as you think about the Gospel and its practical out-workings toward your husband.

  1. Are you aware of the power you have over your husband?
  2. Do you love your husband?
  3. Do you respect your husband?
  4. Are you quick, ready, and willing to forgive your husband?
  5. Are you quick, ready, and willing to ask him to forgive you?
  6. Do you defer to him, which is one way you can help him to be a better leader?
  7. What is your first thought when you think about your husband? Is it a synonym of love?
  8. Would you be characterized as a nag or an encourager? (This question is talking about your regular patterns, not any one episode. We all have episodes of sin.)
  9. Do you talk negatively about him to others? Is he aware of this?
  10. How would other people describe your attitude and affection for your husband?
  11. Will you ask them–those people who will tell you the truth?
  12. Are you actively loving him, even though he does not deserve your love all the time?
  13. Do you wait to love him after he changes, after he meets your preferences and expectations? (Think Gospel here: How does God treat you? Does He love you after you change or does He love you even when you’re not changing?)
  14. Do you punish your husband when he does not meet your expectations? If so, how do you do it? Anger? Silent treatment? Withhold sex?
  15. How are you humbly leading your husband by your Gospel-motivated example? (I’m talking about leading him by not being out front.)
  16. Has your behavior assisted in pushing your husband toward other people or things? If so, how so?
  17. Will you write out the answers to these questions and begin making a plan for repentance, if you need to repent of anything?
  18. Will you begin thanking God if He has brought sinful attitudes and behaviors to light?
  19. Will you talk to your husband about these things?
  20. Will you ask your husband if he is assured you are for him and then ask him to give you specific examples for why he answered the way he did?
*Disclaimer....I am not promoting Rick Thomas's Counseling Solutions. As with everything, should you choose to noodle around his website, take everything said there back to the word, in context, and as always if any psychology is combined with the word of God, through it out. They are two competing religions, and only God is correct.~BIHP

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July 29, 2014

Loving Our Husbands

Take a moment with me ladies to remember back to the early days of marriage.  You loved to see your husband's face, hear his voice, and feel his touch.  Just to be near him, hold his hand, or delight in a long sweet conversation.  Laughing together, taking long walks, love notes, sweet phone calls and all the other gifts that let you know you were loved and cherished by each other.

 No one had to tell you to delight and cherish him.

Let's fast forward ten years.  Life happens.  Days are busy.  Many areas are calling for your time and attention.  There are children to care for and love, homes to clean, bills to pay, meals to cook, piles of laundry and ministry work to be done.  We are also a bit more aware of the faults of our husband and hopefully our own too.

Your husband married a sinner and you married a sinner.  

The amazing and wonderful part of that is that God forgives sinners and helps us to be more like Him.  When we are in Christ, God uses our marriages to sanctify us and grow us more Christlike.  One of those areas is growing us in love for God and for each other.

In Titus 2:3-4 the older women are told to teach the younger women to love their husbands.  The word for love in this verse is not agape (self-sacrificing) but phileo.  Phileo love is a tender, affectionate and passionate kind of love. It is a love you would see between close friends. 



Does the love you show to your husband resemble that of a love between close friends?  

The Lord knew women were good at sacrificial love. We are good to do his laundry, cook his meals and raise his children but the sad part is we can do that without even feeling tender affection for him.  That is not the love the Bible calls us to when in Titus 2:3 we are to be taught by the older women to love our husbands. 

What Does True Biblical Love For Our Husbands Look Like?  

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  ~ John 13:34-35 
As a Christian I am commanded to love my husband just as I am commanded to love others. Love in this verse is agape love and it is to be given where there is nothing given in return.  It is a choice.

In the Excellent Wife there is a great example of a wife who is angry at her husband and in the heat of an argument the doorbell rings.  It is their pastor and she answers the door so kindly and with a smile.  She choose to outwardly show kindness to her pastor (not sure what was going on in the inside) but the point being we can choose to show love when we want to. 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The verses above in Corinthians apply to our marriages. I encourage you to memorize the above verses and speak them out loud to yourself often.  Are you patient and kind to your husband?  Are you rude?  Do you insist on your own way?  Are your resentful?  These verses are the description of true biblical love not just to our friends and neighbors but to our husbands.  They are our closest neighbor.
And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  ~ Matthew 22:39
How much time and effort to you put in to showing love to your children?  Your friends?  Your husband is your closest neighbor.  He should come first.  
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~Philippians 2:3-4
We naturally seem to look out for our own interests.  What's that word called that is at the root of all sin - oh yeah - selfishness.  Counting others as more significant is ourselves is the true definition of humility.  This may seem radical but it is the life we are called to if we are in Christ.  Think about it this way:  The concern you have for your interests, God calls you to have that same concern for your husbands' interests.  Remember just a couple of verses above in 1 Corinthians 13 where love does not insist on its own way?  Be mindful of those verses when you set aside your desires for the desires of your husband.  
There are moments where you may want to do one thing and your husband another.  It is not wrong for you to express your opinion but after doing so let him have the final decision and remind yourself that love does not seek its own way and consider him more important than yourself.  
Another great tip from the Excellent Wife:  Instead of thinking, "How can I get love?  think "How can I show love?"  We are so much more influenced by worldly thinking than we realize.  There is no better way to begin thinking biblically than by daily intake in the Word, time in prayer and scripture memory.  It takes time and work.  We are responsible to the Lord to seek Him in renewing our minds and we do that by taking in His Word and hiding it in our hearts so we might not sin against Him. (Psalm 119:11).
How Do We Put On Love?
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  ~ Colossians 3:12-14
Putting on and showing true biblical love to your husband benefits your marriage, your children and honors the Lord. 
Let me share some good counsel from Elisabeth Elliot:
"A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations.  There is always the other twenty percent hat she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much.  She may, on the other hand, simple decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy."
When I read that I am reminded how much I do love and cherish the husband the Lord has given me.  I want to enjoy him and let him know what a gift he is to me.  The most loving thing you can do for your children is to love your husband well.  It sets and example to them of what a biblical marriage should look like and aids them in choosing their future spouses. 

Listen, I fail at this daily but God's Word and His Spirit do not leave me alone.  It does not happen automatically but takes work and because of my love for the Lord and my husband I will continue to work hard at it and let the Lord work in and through me to accomplish all things for His glory.  We can make all the excuses we want but I am not helping you as a sister in the faith by leaving us in our sinfulness.  One of our callings as Christians is to spur each other on to love and good deeds.  So, roll up your sleeves, get in the Word of God, spend time in prayer and let His Word renew your thinking and "put on love" for your husband!
Ways to Put On Love:
I encourage you to memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and write down each description of love from the verses and see which areas you need to seek help from the Lord to change in.

Below is a description of love from the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 with a brief definition/challenge after each one.  It is only there to get you started.  
Love is patient - It never tires of waiting
Love is kind - Be friendly, generous & warm towards him
Love does not envy - Desire and promote the good of your husband
Love does not boast - Praise your husband not yourself.  Take the time to listen to him instead of waiting to get a word in edgewise.  
Love is not arrogant - Listen to his opinion and remember and don't be a know it all. Arrogance is lack of respect for another person in that you ignore how he would feel and assert your own decision.  
Love is not rude - If you're right but you're rude then you're wrong! Do you find yourself being sarcastic with your husband?  
Love does not insist on its own way - Be flexible and pay attention to when you are being self-centered in a situation. 
Love is not resentful - Confess any bitterness you have to the Lord and in return bless your husband by something he would love.  A back rub? Favorite meal? Movie night? (Eph. 4:31-32Matt. 7:12)
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing - If he is not feeling well or going through a difficult time sympathize with him.  
Love rejoices at the truth - Honesty in all situations should be the goal, even when the truth may be difficult to hear
Love bears all things - Love truly covers everything
Love believes all things - Think the best about your husband.  Love always grants a do over.  
Love hopes all things - No situation is totally hopeless - love will find a way to begin again.  
Love endures all things - Love never gives up on anyone or quits. 
One helpful tip I heard and practiced when we were memorizing this passage in church was to take the word "love" out and put "Jesus" in the place of love.  He is the ultimate example of what love is. 
"Jesus is patient and kind; Jesus does not envy or boast; Jesus is not arrogant or rude. Jesus does not insist on His own way; Jesus is not irritable or resentful; Jesus does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Jesus bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

The character of Christ is love and that character should be lived out in our marriages.  The Holy Spirit desires us to be more Christlike.  I pray we would want to see this love manifested in our marriages and carried over into our families. Ask the Lord today to help you put on His love in your marriage.  Not love that is based on feelings but love that is based on the truth of God's Word. 

It starts first with loving the Lord with your whole, heart, soul and strength.  This is impossible to do in your own strength you must be in Christ.  You must be born again.  Let me share the most important news you will ever hear - the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ:


"God is perfect and holy and He requires nothing less than His own perfection. But, we are not able to attain His holiness. He doesn't lie, cheat, or steal, but we do these things. Therefore, there's a judgment upon us because we have broken the Law of God, we have sinned by lying and cheating and stealing. This judgment is eternal damnation. However, God the Father loves us so much that He sent God the Son, Jesus, who died on the cross as a sacrifice to pay the penalty for our sins. He died on the cross and physically rose from the dead three days later. This proves that His sacrifice was acceptable to the Father. Therefore, if you want to receive what Jesus has done to remove the wrath of God the Father, then you must receive Him and His sacrifice by faith. Would you like to pray and ask Jesus to forgive your sins against God?" (source)

http://thankful-homemaker.blogspot.com/

July 28, 2014

Respect: What Your Husband Needs





Did you know that God didn't call you to change your husband.  He did call you to respect your husband. 
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. ~Ephesians 5:33


Shaunti Feldhahn in her book, For Women Only shared a story from a retreat she was on that was focused on relationships.  During the retreat the speaker asked the group to choose between two bad feelings.  His question was, "Would you rather feel alone and unloved or inadequate and disrespected?"  Every man in that room chose that he would rather feel alone and unloved instead of inadequate and disrespected.   
"for women, the highest need in general is to feel loved and cherished. But the highest need for a man is to feel his wife’s respect and trust and admiration and honor." 

The big question that most women ask is "How do I show respect for my husband when he doesn't deserve it?"  Let me ask you back, "How would you like it if your husband only showed you love when you deserve it?"  The reminder is we were not worthy or deserving when Christ came and died for our sins - when I am reminded of that truth and the example Christ was of laying down His rights and putting the needs of others above Himself I am reminded that as a Christian I am called to do the same.  

Choose to respect your husband today. When you find your heart and mind focused on what he is doing wrong pray that the Lord would continue to help you focus on what he is doing right.  Don't be critical but praise and encourage him in those areas where he does get it right. 

In the Excellent Wife, Martha Peace gives a self-assessement to let us be aware of where we may be showing disrespect to our husbands.  Take some time to review the list and pray for the Lord to reveal these areas to you and help you to show respect in areas where you have been showing your husband disrespect.

"Respecting Your Husband.......A Self-Assessment:

1.  Do you speak to your husband in a condescending, "put down" manner?

2.  Do you treat your husband in private as respectfully as you do your pastor, your neighbor, or your friends in public?

3.  Doe your countenance show your disrespect by angry looks, looks of disgust, crossed arms etc.?

4.  Do your talk for your husband or interrupt him?

5.  Do you try to intimidate or bully your husband by making threats, verbally attacking him, crying, or in some other way manipulating him to have your way?

6.  Do you bring up his shortcomings to others?

7.  Do you inappropriately contradict him in front of others?

8.  Do you compare him unfavorably with other men?

9.  Do you listen carefully to your husband's opinion trying to understand him?

10.  Do you respect his position in the home so much that he can depend on you to do as he asks even when he is not at home?

11.  Do you respect his requests by trying to do as he asks, even if it doesn't seem important to you?

12.  Would your husband say that you have a meek and quiet spirit?  If you do, it will be apparent in how you treat him.

13.  Are you obeying God by being respectful to your husband?"

~ excerpt taken from The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace

You cannot respect your husband in your own strength (just try it and see how far you get) it is only by the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit within you.  This is the practical,  every day life in the home where our Christianity is lived out.  Pray that the Lord would help you today to dwell on the good things you see in your husband.  As you continue to be faithful in this area you will begin to see him anew and realize there is much to give thanks to the Lord for in the gift of your husband. 


http://thankful-homemaker.blogspot.com/2014/06/respect-what-your-husband-needs.html

July 27, 2014

From "The Wedding Ring" by William Secker, 1658

Excerpted from "The Salve of Divinity—on the Sore of Humanity"
The woman must be a helper to the man in these four things:
To his Piety,
To his Society,
To his Progeny,
To his Prosperity.
To her husband's piety, by the ferventness of her sanctification.
To his society, by the fragrantness of her conversation.
To his progeny, by the fruitfulness of her education.
To his prosperity, by the faithfulness of her preservation.

1. A wife should be a helper to her husband's PIETY, by the ferventness of her sanctification. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4
Husband and wife should be as the two milk cows—which were coupled together to carry the ark of God. Or as the two Cherubim, which looked upon one another, and both upon the mercy-seat. Or as the two tables of stone, on each of which were engraved the laws of God. In some families married people are like Jeremiah's two baskets of figs—the one very good, the other very evil. Or like fire and water—while the one is flaming in devotion, the other is freezing in corruptionThere is a two-fold hindrance in holiness:
First, on the right side. When the wife would run in God's way—the husband will not let her go. When the fore horse in a team will not draw properly—he wrongs all the rest. When the general of an army forbids a march—all the soldiers stand still.
Secondly, on the left side. How did Solomon's idolatrous wives draw away his heart from Heaven! A sinning wife wasSatan's first ladder, by which he scaled the walls of Paradise, and took away the fort royal of Adam's heart from him. Thus she who should have been the help of his flesh—was the hurt of his faith. She who should be a crown on thehead—is a cross on the shoulders. The wife is often to the husband, as the ivy is to the oak—which draws away his vital sap from him.

2. A wife should be a helper to her husband's SOCIETY, by the fragrantness of her conversation. Man is an affectionate creature. Now the woman's behavior should be such towards the man, as to require his affection, by increasing his delectation; that the new-born love may not be blasted—as soon as it is blossomed; that it may not beruined—before it be rooted. A spouse should carry herself so to her husband, as not to disturb his love by hercontention, nor to destroy his love by her alienation. Husband and wife should be like two candles burning together, which make the house more lightsome; or like two fragrant flowers bound up in one bouquet, which augments its redolence; or like two well-tuned instruments, which sounding together, make the more melodious music. Husband and wife—what are they but as two springs meeting, and so joining their streams that they may make but one current? It is an unpleasing spectacle to view any contention, in this conjunction.

3. A wife should be a helper to her husband's PROGENY, by the fruitfulness of her education; so that her children in the flesh may be God's children in the spirit. "Train a child in the way he should go—and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6. Hannah vows, that if the Lord will give her a son, by bearing him—she will return that son to the Lord by serving him. A mother should be more careful of her children's pious breeding, than she should be fearful of her children's worldly bearing. Take heed lest these flowers grow in the devil's garden! Though you bring them out in corruption—yet do not bring them down to damnation! Those are not mothers—but monsters—who while they should be teaching their children the way to heaven with their lips—are leading them to hell with their lives! Godly training is the best livery you can give them living; and it is the best legacy you can leave them dying.
You let out your efforts to make them great; lift up your prayers to make them godly—that before you die from them, you may see Christ live in them. While these twigs are green and tender, they should be bowed towards God. Children are in a family—as passengers are in a boat; husband and wife, they are as a pair of oars to row them to their desired haven. Let these small pieces of timber be hewed and squared for the celestial building. By putting a scepter of graceinto their hands—you will set a crown of glory upon their heads!

4. A wife should be a helper to her husband's PROSPERITY, by her faithful preservation, being not a wandererabroad—but a worker at home. "To be self-controlled and pure, to be workers at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." Titus 2:5.
One of the ancients speaks excellently: "She must not be a field-wife, like Dinah; nor a street-wife, like Tamar; nor awindow-wife, like Jezebel."
Phidias, when he drew a woman, painted her as sitting under a snail shell, that she might imitate that little creature—which goes no further than it can carry its house upon its head.

How many women are there, who are not laboring bees—but idle drones! They take up a room in the hive—but bring no honey to it! They are moths to their husband's estates, spending when they should be sparing! As the man's part is to provide industriously, so the woman's part is to preserve discreetly! The husband must not be carelessly wanting; the wife must not be causelessly waiting. The man must be seeking with diligence—and the woman must be savingwith providence. The rooster and hen both scrape together in the dust-heap, to pick up something for their little chicks. "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." Proverbs 31:27

July 26, 2014

18 Ways To Be Your Husband's Helper

A favorite book that I like to return to is The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I cannot think of a better resource next to God's Word in preparing women for marriage. The Excellent Wife is saturated with Gods' Word and biblical principles for every topic. Martha Peace addresses the heart issues and how our thoughts, actions and attitudes reveal what is in our hearts. I appreciate that she is not just trying to transform our outward behavior but brings us back to God who is the only One that can change our hearts.

As I have been revisiting the book this list from Chapter Six on A Wife's Understanding of Her Role convicted me of how often I neglect to fulfill my role as helper to my husband. Take a peek with me as we see how we as women can carry out our God given role as helper to our husbands.....



Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband

1. Ask your husband, "What are your goals for the week?"

2. Ask your husband, "How can I help you to accomplish these goals?"

3. Ask your husband, "Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?"

4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities your husband is then free to do his work.

5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

6. Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies' Bible studies, etc.

7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.

8. Talk about him in a positive light to others. Do not slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.

9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him the freedom not to use your suggestion, and do not be offended if he does not follow it.

10. Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.

11. Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.

12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.

13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious to them.

14. Do and say things that build him up instead of tear him down.

15. Dress and apply your makeup in an attractive manner that is pleasing to your husband.

16. When you husband sins, reprove him privately and gently, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.

17. Encourage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.

18. Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.



"The question always comes up, what if your husband is not a Christian? What if he is not glorifying the Lord? I'm reminded of a story that my grandmother told me once about her parents. They were born around the time of the Civil War. Apparently, her mother was a Christian and her father was not. Reflecting back, my grandmother told how her mother always wanted to please him. In order to please her husband, she was gentle and kind, and cooperated in all of the many relocation moves they made. Her usual answer when he requested something was, "yes, Dad." She did not complain or grumble. She seemed to go gladly along with him in his plans. Even when she differed, she still respectfully supported him. I asked my grandmother, "How did your father treat your mother?" and she said, "He adored her." Well, my great-grandfather may not have glorified Christ but my great-grandmother did by magnifying her husband, by living out the role that God intended for her. A special blessing for her was how her husband treated her and loved her. You see, a Christian woman can do the right thing and fulfill her God-given role regardless of whether her husband fulfills his or not."


~The Excellent Wife, pages 55-56

Is Setting Boundaries On Others Biblical?

There are many people writing and talking about boundaries they set for their spouses, friends, and relatives. This, for some reason, never seemed right to me. I think it is fine to set boundaries for yourself; boundaries for purity, for protection, etc. We are also to train and teach our children by setting boundaries for them; teaching them right from wrong.

Setting boundaries for anyone but yourself or your children seems wrong to me since we can't control anybody else's behavior. It seems like it is another way of saying you are trying to control someone else. Then comes in the problem of NEVER becoming a "doormat," since doormat is a dirty word today.

You see, the problem I have with the word boundary and doormat is that neither of these words are in the Bible. Yes, Jesus went away from the crowds at times for prayer and to be alone, but is that a boundary? It may be a boundary for Him, but not for others and He ALWAYS allowed interruptions to His "boundaries." He was mocked, beaten, and crucified on a cross. Was he not being a doormat for the world? Aren't we called to be like Him?

What about being called to be a "living sacrifice?" What about denying ourselves and giving ourselves to others? What about generosity and a servant being called the greatest of all? All these just don't seem to fit in with the so called "boundaries" people are setting up for others in their lives or the fear of being a doormat. However, we are never called to participate in sin for we must obey God rather than man, and if there is any type of abuse, call the authorities.

Shouldn't we be willing to be inconvenienced for others? Shouldn't we think of these times as golden opportunities to serve others? When we sacrifice our desires and wants for others, aren't we sacrificing our time and energy for Christ? When we give a child a cup of water, aren't we told we are giving Christ a cup of water?

Setting boundaries for others seems like psycho babble to me and not biblical at all. All this stuff about not being a doormat seems the same. If we insist on setting boundaries for others and not being a doormat, we will ALWAYS be unhappy when we are inconvenienced, interrupted, or asked to do things we don't feel like doing.

I  have just found in my own life, that the more I give myself and my desires away and serve others, the better my life becomes. When I don't need things to go my way and get things my way, the more joy I have. We are called to give our lives away and boundaries and not being a doormat just don't seem to fit into the biblical definition of being a godly servant for Christ.

But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
Matthew 23:11

Reposted From Always Learning
http://www.lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/07/are-setting-boundaries-on-others.html